Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Putin watching Sarah and Todd Palin. — Putin keeps an eye on Sarah and Todd Palin from his back yard.

Sarah & Todd Palin quietly divorced earlier this year

To be fair, Putin saw this coming… from his house.

Trump’s niece, Mary Trump, says in new tell all he paid someone to take the SATs for him

Damn, those were simpler times, you could cheat your way into college and didn’t even have to fake being on crew.

Almost 3 million American adults have moved in with their parents or grandparents

The good news is they’re social distancing, just like before the pandemic.

Happy 80th birthday, Ringo Starr

Well… from everyone, except Pete Best.

Disney World reopens to the general public

… and, that’s as close as some Americans are going to get to countries on ‘It’s a Small World!’

Trump touts OANN over FOX News

Helpful tip, the cable reception for OANN comes in clearer if you’re wearing a tin foil hat.

Dixie Chicks explain why they dropped ‘Dixie’ from their band name

Uh, to stay on the Joe Biden’s Veep short list?

Starbucks will require all customers to wear face masks at its U.S.

Given the prices, I used to think the baristas should be wearing masks when they rob you.

Billionaire Kanye West’s company gets multimillion-dollar PPP loan from Trump Admin

So, sure looks like Kanye’s gone from being Jeezy to Sleezy.

Florida reports 15,300 new COVID-19 cases — a record for one day anywhere in the U.S.

Hey, Florida, you just set a record for coronavirus cases… what are you gonna do next? “We’re going to Disney World!”

Tucker Carlson suggests Sen. Tammy Duckworth, who lost her legs in Iraq, hates America

Pretty soon, Tucker’s going to only be left with ads for My Pillow and the Really, Really White Castle.

Brooks Brothers goes bust with business clothes losing favor

Or, as it will now be known ‘Broke Brothers.’

Jada Pinkett Smith admitted having an affair while her marriage to Will Smith was on the rocks

Although it might also have been punishment for Will making her watch ‘Wild Wild West.’

Secretary of Defense Mark Esper confirmed that he had been briefed on information regarding Russian payments to the Taliban

Making him now the ‘Secretary of Defensiveness.’

Hundreds of scientists say coronavirus is airborne

… and looking for its lost luggage…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)