More News That's Unfit to Print - JC Wade, Humor Times

Unfit to Print: So we’ll just put it online.

Goya, Oh Boya

At a White House event earlier this month, Goya Foods CEO, Bob Unanue, remarked that Americans were truly blessed to have Donald Trump as president. Republicans were elated to hear such praise from the Hispanic business leader. However, many in the Hispanic community were outraged and began boycotting the company’s products.

But last Friday, in an interview with Fox News, the president stated that the boycott of Goya Foods by stone cold losers backfired claiming that people are buying their products like crazy. The radical left smear machine, he said, has “Made Goya Great Again.”

Trump praised Goya’s Bean King, whom he declared “was a good hombre who I think is in this country legally, so we probably don’t need to deport him.” The president followed up by saying that he loves the Hispanic people. “I have great respect for them and they like me.” But he added that he had a problem with Latinos and Puerto Ricans who he said “come to our country illegally and they bring drugs and crime. Many of them will need to be deported along with Chris Wallace.”

The president continued on saying that no one knows the Hispanic people and their culture better than he does and that “he and his family observe Cinco de Mayo every year, which everyone knows is the celebration of Hispanicia gaining its independence from England after a big beautiful war.” Trump went on to say that he also loves tacos claiming that “nobody loves Taco Bell more than me. That I can tell you.”

He then mentioned that he has been to Hispanicia many times and that “it is a beautiful country, not like the other s**thole countries in Africa.” He concluded the interview by inviting Mr. Unanue to join him next month when he travels to that country to visit its leader, President Montezuma.

Unmasked

The director of the CDC recently claimed that if every American wore a face mask for the next four to six weeks we could significantly slow down the transmission of Covid-19 in the United States. However, it doesn’t appear that this is going to happen as President Trump isn’t a fan of face masks.

In fact, earlier this week, a White House spokesperson, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, indicated that the president was planning to sign an executive order adding a new Commandment to the original ten. The new edict will say “Thou shalt not wear unto thee any annoying face masks.” He indicated that Trump believed this rule will be the greatest one since the second Commandment which, of course, states that “Thou shalt not infringe on the right to bear arms.”

The spokesperson added that Trump planned to sign another executive order that will drop that pesky Commandment about adultery which the president claimed was too difficult to abide by. He said Trump believed that he had the power to revise God’s laws since he is The Chosen One.

Kickoff Time

National Football League Commissioner, Roger Goodell, announced this week that, despite the pandemic, the NFL season will begin as scheduled in September. However, because of the coronavirus there would be some changes to the game to ensure player safety.

By far the biggest change will be that, instead of tackling the player with the ball to stop his forward motion, defensive players would have to pull out the ball carrier’s flag. But he noted that the using of a confederate flag would be a personal foul and a 15 yard penalty.

Goodell said that players had some protection from the virus as they already wore face masks but they would now be required to wear a N95 mask while playing along with the face mask that is attached to their helmet.
And social distancing would be observed where possible. For instance, since it’s recommended that people don’t congregate in groups larger than ten, one player would have to stay out of the huddle and the hurry up, no huddle offense would be recommended. The Commissioner believes that the game could be played with significant social distancing noting that the Detroit Lion’s defense has been doing it for the last forty years.
Goodell said that, with these changes, he thought the season could proceed safely.

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JC Wade

J. Wade is a retired Chief Financial Officer from Missouri. He has had humor articles published in the Humor Times, USA Today, The Journal of Irreproducible Results and Unhinged Magazine, which is now defunct (not his fault).