The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Author Mary Trump

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Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Mary Trump, niece of Donald Trump and author of the book “Too Much and Never Enough.”

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Mary Trump bookJERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is Mary Trump, niece of Donald Trump and author of the book Too Much and Never Enough.

JERRY

Good morning, Mary. How does your garden grow?

MARY TRUMP

With silver bells and cockleshells. And pretty maids in a row. I have a PH.D. in clinical psychology. I can read your mind.

JERRY

You’re not so smart. I have a degree in Ping Pong Management from Trump University.

MARY

I won’t even go there, Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

In your new book, you say Donald Trump is the most dangerous man in the world. Why do you think?

MARY

Aside from being a putz, Donald has an antisocial disorder, chronic criminality, arrogance and disregard for the rights of others.

JERRY

He certainly disregarded your family. Your late father Freddy was bullied to death by your Uncle Donald and Grandpa Fred.

MARY

When my dad told his father that he didn’t want to go into the family business, grandpa branded him the black sheep. He was so spiteful that he changed his will so dad wouldn’t receive an inheritance.

JERRY

All because he was a pilot for TWA.

MARY

Yep. Dad started drinking anything he could get his hands on. He became an alcoholic. Lost his job, wife and self-esteem. My brother, mom and I were left to fend for ourselves.

JERRY

You had it rough. But think how many farts a couch has to endure in silence. Sad.

MARY

We were brave.

JERRY

Do you know the definition of bravery?

MARY

Not really.

JERRY

Having diarrhea and chancing a fart.

MARY

Thank you. I didn’t learn that in graduate school.

JERRY

The Trumpster has done a horrible job with the Coronavirus.  There are 4 million Americans that have tested positive. The worst of any country in the world.

MARY

Yeah. Uncle Donald said it would just disappear. Kind of like his tax returns and former wives. What a scoundrel.

JERRY

We know your grandfather Fred was a vindictive asshole. What about your grandmother?

MARY

She was nasty. We called her Gam. She always threatened to withhold money to my mom when dad was terminally ill. Said my dad was a whole lot of nothing after he died. Even removed me from my grandfather’s will which I found out after Gam died.

JERRY

Is it true Grandpa Fred and Gam poured millions of dollars into Donald’s business ventures including 3 casinos that went bankrupt in Atlantic City?

MARY

Absolutely. The genius Donald Trump lost $600 million of their money. The truth is my grandparents only cared about one child. Donald was the anointed one. He could do no wrong.

JERRY

Not surprising. He’s tanking the United States economy.

MARY

For sure. Kodak Film Company filed for bankruptcy. More details as the story develops.

JERRY

Sounds like there was no love in the Trump family.

MARY

True. I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. If I didn’t have to hustle my book, I’d change my last name to Glump.

JERRY

That’s not very upbeat.

MARY

Either are you.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Miss Trumpster.

MARY

I’m sorry. I’m still thinking about the set of underwear Donald and Ivana bought me for Christmas one year. I should have regifted to Don Jr, because it was Spider Man.

JERRY

Did you know the internet was invented by Spiderman?

MARY

No.

JERRY

That’s why it is called The World Wide Web.

JERRY

If you could say one thing to Donald, what would it be?

MARY

When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your empty head. Resign.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

 

The Jerry Duncan Show

(c) Dean B. Kaner

Dean Kaner
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