Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Every player and coach on the Yankees & Nationals took a knee before the national anthem tonight in D.C

But to be fair, maybe they were ducking in case Dr. Fauci threw out another first ball!

Princess Beatrice got hitched in a private ceremony

Her dad, Prince Andrew, didn’t give away the bride… instead he traded her for two bridesmaids and flower girl to be named later.

Trump claims people need more water pressure in their bathrooms

… welp, what do you expect after eating all those cans of Goya beans?

Mark Zuckerberg surfboards in Hawaii with way too much sunscreen

No, he actually is that white.

Trump Biden debates

A Trump vs. Biden debate should just be Biden saying, “No, you go ahead. Keep talking.”

Dakota Johnson came out as bisexual

Calm down, people. All that does is double the amount of people who don’t have a shot.

Taylor Swift drops new album, ‘Folklore,’ she did while in self quarantine

Damn, and, I still haven’t decided whether to go with alphabetical or size to organize my spice rack…

Happy 97th birthday, Bob Dole

Bob Dole says thank you to all who wished Bob Dole a ‘happy birthday’ on Bob Dole’s birthday.

Seattle Kraken is new name for Seattle’s NHL franchise

No word if their new arena will be known as the Krackhouse.

White House touts coming executive order on healthcare, saying it will “have teeth”

But, ironically, no dental.

House Republicans lash out at Liz Cheney over Trump criticism

Cheney is one step away from offering her fellow GOP Congress people free hunting trips with her Dad.

Kanye West claims in rally Harriet Tubman never “freed the slaves”

Why do I get the feeling Harriet Tubman would’ve given Kanye the wrong departure time of when Underground Railroad was leaving the “station?”

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became first human beings to land on moon, 51 years ago today

And they still haven’t been able to retrieve their luggage.

House votes to remove Confederate statues from Capitol

… guess that means from now on Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham can only Zoom …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)