Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews President Donald Trump.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is President Donald Trump.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
The radical left is destroying our cities. Satan is on the loose.
JERRY
Trumpster. What do you call your presidency?
TRUMP
20,000 lies and counting?
JERRY
Nope. The Devil Knows Nada.
TRUMP
Duncan. I recently took a cognitive test. Have a good memory. I identified a snake, alligator, elephant…
JERRY
Let me stop you there. It wasn’t an elephant. It was an elephant’s trunk. The test results revealed you couldn’t differentiate between your penis and an elephant’s trunk.
TRUMP
Actually, I think like an elephant. I’m sure Dumbo is wondering how I breath through something so small. I’m a genius.
JERRY
You’re behind in every presidential poll taken in a match up with Joe Biden. Even Fox shows you down 9 points.
TRUMP
Poles can be wrong. For example, the Poles thought they were so smart when they installed screen doors on submarines to keep out fish. That didn’t work out so well.
JERRY
You and Biden are tied in Texas. A reliable red state.
TRUMP
So what. Do you know why ducks fly over Texas upside down? Because there’s nothing worth craping on. I’m a winner. Texas is the number one state with Coronavirus. Texans will remember when they vote in November.
JERRY
Do you still believe the Coronavirus will disappear?
TRUMP
Absolutely. This is a Democratic hoax. I said to a hot intern the other day. “If Coronvirus doesn’t take you out, can I”?
JERRY
C’mon. 4 million people have the disease. Testing may reveal as many as 40 million.
TRUMP
That’s science. I don’t believe in science. I said to my people, “Slow the testing down, please.” The reason we have so many people testing positive is to make me look bad. It’s fake news.
JERRY
When I look at you, you’re something I would draw with my left hand.
JERRY
Let’s talk about your deployment of Federal agents to quell protests in Portland. So far, the military tactics have been illegal. Unmarked cars, uniforms without names, excessive force, arresting protesters that have the right to peacefully assemble. The use of tear gas on innocent civilians.
TRUMP
I pulled the plan out of my ass. Attorney General Barr said it was a great idea. He doesn’t believe in the rule of law either.
JERRY
Barr is your judicial fixer. He’s a Hefty bag.
TRUMP
Sounds right. Big man, very big man. Bill said that if he chokes to death on Gummy Bears, just say he was killed by a bear and leave it at that.
JERRY
Americans are worried that you won’t accept the election results in November. Is that true?
TRUMP
I will if I win. A mail ballot is voter fraud. Illegals, prisoners, dead people and hamsters are on the voter rolls.
JERRY
This is unfounded based on evidence. The peaceful transfer of power is the core of American politics.
TRUMP
My friend Vladimir Putin said it doesn’t work. I even got a second opinion from Kim Jong-un. Why would they lie?
JERRY
If Kim is brain dead that would make two world leaders.
TRUMP
Are you talking about me?
JERRY
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question. Let me say something.
TRUMP
Sure.
JERRY
You gave billions of dollars of tax cuts to the rich in 2017. Yet, there are 30 million Americans out of work at no fault of their own broke or going broke. And you won’t give them enough unemployment insurance benefits to survive. It’s unconscionable.
TRUMP
Money isn’t everything. Health is 2%. Remember Duncan. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.
JERRY
Trumpster. Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. You can take that to the White House. See you tomorrow.
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