Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kanye West interrupts Taylor Swift's acceptance of the award for Best Female Video

Challenges argue Kanye West filed petitions late, should be barred from Wisconsin Presidential ballot

… at the very least, Taylor Swift should show up and say Beyoncé would be way better choice.

Quebec can now host music festivals with an audience capacity of 250 people

So, a normal Nickleback concert.

KW Miller a Republican candidate for Congress said on Twitter Trump looks manly in a mask

Dude, it’s Twitter not Grindr.

NBA reportedly spent $150 million for setup inside Orlando bubble

In fact, the bubble is so strict it’s kept players safe from both the coronavirus and the Kardashian women.

Biden goes bike riding in Delaware

So, Biden rode a bike and unlike the last thing Trump rode didn’t have to pay it 130,000 dollars to deny it.

The ‘Jurassic Park’ franchise got many dinosaurs wrong

… well, if you trust Larry King’s memory…

Happy 94^th birthday, Tony Bennett

2020, keep your hands off him.

Trump on accused sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell: “I wish her well”

Well, I guess when it comes to child sex trafficking there are good people on both sides.

Google will reportedly extend its coronavirus work-from-home order to summer 2021

It’s true. I Googled it.

The US-Canada border is expected to remain closed to non-essential travel until at least August 21st

Damn, Canadians will do anything to stop the return of Justin Bieber and Ted Cruz.

Britney Spears says she got “carried away” after debuting head-to-toe henna tattoos

Oooops, I did it again… and again…. and again… and again…

Trump mispronounces Yosemite as “Yo-Semites” and Thailand as “Thighland” at White House events

If Trump can’t pronounce Thailand and Yosemite, let’s hope he never has to read a statement about the country Niger.

Why Jay Cutler really deleted Instagram after Kristin Cavallari reunited with Stephen Colletti

Uh, because unlike Cutler, Colletti knows how to complete a pass…

New York State AG Letitia James charges the NRA with corruption

… they have my “thoughts and prayers…”

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)