President Trump Vows to Replace Rep. John Lewis with 'Blacks for Trump Guy'

“Blacks for Trump Guy” is best replacement, because “blacks love me,” says Trump.

President Trump, in a lively interview with host Chris Wallace on Fox News, revealed his plan to replace recently deceased Rep. John Lewis of Georgia with a man who frequently appears behind him at campaign rallies, known colloquially as the “Blacks for Trump Guy.” Here is a partial transcript of the interview:

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, can you give us your thoughts on the death of John Lewis?

President Trump: When I heard that Lewis had died, I immediately thought, ‘who am I going to replace him with?’ I think it should be a black person. The blacks love me–no one has done more for the blacks than me. I know lots of blacks. Tiger Woods–great golfer, but I beat him once. Kanye West–he has some impressive ideas–I hear he is already running for president though. Either one of them would be an improvement. But you know who would be a great replacement? That Blacks for Trump guy. He comes to all my rallies. He is very loyal.

CW: You do realize that it’s not your choice to make. There would need to be a special election.

PT: Oh no, that would be all wrong. Look at Georgia–it’s a hellhole, but the people kept re-electing Lewis over and over. No offense, but Lewis did a terrible job. I should pick. I’ll do an executive order and nominate my own candidate. Then of course it would have to go to the Senate for approval. Just like my great Supreme Court Justices. Yeah, the Blacks for Trump guy.

CW: Do you even know his name?

PT: I don’t need to know his name. I have great instincts. My gut says he would be a great replacement. My staff can look him up.

CW: Is he on your payroll sir?

PT: That’s a nasty question. You’re a disgrace to your profession.

CW: Will you answer the question?

PT: I did. It’s a nasty question and you’re a disgrace.

CW: Can you tell us why you did not attend any of the events honoring John Lewis? He was a giant in the civil rights movement.

PT: I keep hearing that–a giant–but I’ve seen him. He was very short. Almost a midget. Can I say that? A little person. And I’m not talking leprechaun, but very short. I’m six foot five, practically six foot six, and I would just tower over him. So not a giant at all. He was a terrible Senator for Georgia.

CW: You mean Representative, in the House of–

PT: Excuse me! Excuse me! That’s what I said. Represenator. Pay attention! And he treated me very badly. His family did not even thank me for lowering flags to half staff, a great honor for him. He was so short, it should have been quarter staff really.

CW: Quarter staff? That’s not… Well let’s move on to another topic. Your head on Mount Rushmore…

PT: Many people would like to see that.

CW: I’m sure they would.

And like the sun setting in the west, like Trump’s falling poll numbers, and as the thing many people would like to see–the curtain coming down on Trump’s time in office, the interview descended from there.

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Dennis Wobber

Dennis Wobber is a retired structural engineer. He is also a long-time admirer of Art Hoppe, the satirical columnist who wrote for the SF Chronicle for more than 40 years.