Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Fox News hosts lavish praise on Biden’s speech at the DNC: “Best he’s ever been”

Yup, people are raving about Biden’s speech from the shores of Thighland to the hills of Yo-semite!

Authorities near Chicago searching for a United Airlines executive who was last seen 11 days ago

If he flew United to Chicago, he’s probably in Honolulu without his luggage.

Wildfire in northern California triggers first-ever tornado warning for a ‘fire tornado’

Jeez, but, on the upside; it’ll kill the locusts.

Report: Trump wants to be put on Mount Rushmore

Well, Jared could do it if he wasn’t the wrong kind of chiseler.

Rob Kardashian is calling out Kim on Instagram

Kim: Who?

Biden and Trump set to be oldest to ever run for the White House

In fact, Biden’s old enough to have known Frederick Douglass and Trump’s old enough to have refused to rent Douglass an apartment!

Cardi B defends putting Kylie Jenner in her ‘WAP’ video featuring Megan Thee Stallion amid outcry

Or, as it’s known in the Hip Hop world a Nicki Minaj a Trois…

Trump calls on supporters to boycott Goodyear, tweeting “Don’t buy Goodyear tires” over company ban on MAGA hats

So, as I understand this, Trump wants to ban, Goodyear, a Made in USA Tire because they don’t want workers wearing Made in China hats…

Kushner: Meeting with Kanye “friendly discussion”

Why don’t they just run as a Presidential ticket? I can already see the bumper stickers: Yeezy/Sleezy 2020.

Sylvester Stallone selling his $400,000 Cadillac Escalade customized to feel like a private jet inside

Guess he doesn’t want to make Rocky CXXVIII to pay off the car loan.

Belarus is on the brink of a major change. What role will Russia play?

Not saying Belarus elections were influenced by Putin, but people are saying the country is changing its name to Belaruskie!

Postal Service agents reportedly arrested Stephen Bannon

Bannon was arrested by the USPS? Good thing for him, he won’t arrive in jail for at least 7-10 days.

Trump donated thousands to Kamala Harris’ campaigns. She gave the money to charity

… I’m shocked, shocked it cleared …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)