Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ryan Reynolds

Ryan Reynolds’ Aviation Gin line sells to Diageo for $610 million

Apparently, if women drink enough of it, all men start to look like Ryan Reynolds!

Cher says she was turned down after offering to volunteer at 2 post offices

But, mostly because she listed as her references, “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves.”

Not everyone is happy with Melania Trump’s changes to the Rose Garden

In fact, people are so mad about what Melania did to the White House Rose Garden, one day we’re going to have to elect Mayor Pete and Chasten Buttigeig to fix it.

Kim and Kanye take a vacation in the Bahamas to rekindle their marriage

They were going to the Virgin Islands… but, well, y’know!

Rand Paul accuses protesters of attacking him and his wife following Trump’s RNC speech

Given Paul’s history, maybe he was afraid the protesters were just being neighborly.

Machine Gun Kelly breaks gender norms in edgy, knee-length shirt-dress

Which means it’s going be more difficult to tell if that’s a machine gun, or, if he’s just glad to see you.

Happy 90th Birthday, Sean Connery

Now 007 is also the amount of times he gets up at night to pee…

A new David Bowie live album was released

They’re exclusively at Bed, Bath and the Great Beyond…

Scheana Shay says she had a sexual “throuple” with John Mayer after his Jennifer Aniston split

At this point, it’s quicker to name the women John Mayer didn’t sleep with!

Bald eagle attacks government drone and sends it crashing into Lake Michigan

No word why Ben Stein was anywhere near Lake Michigan.

The RNC ended with a firework display over the Washington Monument spelling out ‘TRUMP’

The display wasn’t just a violation of the Hatch Act, it was a crime against humility.

Black Panther’ star Chadwick Boseman dies of cancer at 43

Seriously 2020, E-F%&king-Nuff.

LeBron James launches multi-million-dollar effort to recruit poll workers ahead of election

While Falwell Jr. recruits pole workers so he has something to watch while in hiding.

Trump: “You know what I say? Protest this, your ass. I don’t talk about my ass”

In fairness, this might have made sense in the original Russian.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)