Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/7/20 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande’s VMA performance of ‘Rain on Me’ was everything we wanted

While Miley Cyrus had a wardrobe malfunction at the VMA show; it seems her clothes stayed on.

Judge again tells Devin Nunes he can’t sue Twitter over fake cow’s tweets

And, he called the suit udder nonsense.

Trump denies he had series of mini strokes

… which is also what he says about being with Stormy Daniels. Coincidence? You decide!

Nancy Pelosi says her visit to a hair salon was a ‘setup.’ Stylist backs her up

The evidence does seem “cut and dry…”

Kardashians announce new season of sex, betrayal, money

The Falwells: Hold my beer!

Julian Alaphilippe sprints to Tour de France stage win and back into leader’s yellow jersey

Although, I have to say, while watching the Tour De France, it’s hard to tell which cyclists are on performance enhancing drugs and which ones are in the control group.

Multiple boats in distress, sinking at Trump Boat Parade on Lake Travis

You don’t need to have someone take your SATs for you to see the metaphor…

Nebraska man who attempted to deliver marijuana to a prison via drone has been sentenced to two years

He would’ve gotten away with it, if he hadn’t sent a second drone in with chips and pizza.

Happy 40th Birthday, Macaulay Culkin

If you’re still waiting for your family to return, maybe it’s you.

Ivanka says they’re trying to make her father look incompetent

… if so, most successful WH Staff ever.

‘Dancing With the Stars’ fans are freaking out over the season 29 cast lineup

Seems they’ve actually heard of a couple of the stars.

Fox News confirms ‘The Atlantic’s’ report on Trump’s soldier comments

Damn, the way things are going, Trump better hope Speaker Pelosi decides to get her nails done by the Ayatollah.

The parents of Madonna’s new ‘boyfriend’ give consent to relationship despite 36-year age gap

… as long as she has him home before curfew on a school night.

Trump’s rant about ‘anarchist’ protesters wielding deadly ‘cans of soup’ goes viral

In fairness, everyone knows, only good people with cans of soup can defeat bad people with cans of soup…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)