Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Biden’s been endorsed by 81 Nobel Prize winners

Trump can’t spell ‘Noble.’

The Bachelor’s Taylor Nolan says she’s single and exploring “poly-type relationships”

For anyone wondering, “poly-type relationships” are multi people relationships that don’t include anyone reading this!

Two ‘Boogaloo Bois’ charged with conspiring to provide support to Hamas

Let’s just call them what they are Vanilla ISIS…

Trump lashes out at Woodward book as “political hit job” as McEnany defends Trump over coronavirus comments

Not sure what’s dumber, telling Bob Woodward you lied to Americans about a pandemic or talking to Woodward 18 times.

A Nebraska man exposes ‘boneless chicken wings’ in court

Apparently, the only chemical not being used for raising chickens is Viagra.

San Francisco salon owner closes shop after Nancy Pelosi face mask controversy

Oh, no, where will San Franciscans find hairstylists…?

Gerald Shur, Architect of Witness Protection Program, dies at 86

… Or, did he …

Reports that Jay Cutler and Tomi Lahren are dating

I’m shocked, shocked Cutler might’ve completed a pass!

Judges order Kanye West off Arizona and Virginia ballots

Here’s hoping Taylor Swift demands he’s replaced by Beyoncé.

Jennifer Griffin defends reporting & “unimpeachable” sources after Trump ordered Fox News fire her

Confirming one thing: Trump wasn’t one of her sources.

Travis Tritt blocking people on Twitter

How’s that a punishment?

Happy 79^th birthday, Bernie Sanders

… and Larry David who have never been seen in the same place at the same time.

Trump appears to forget the words to the Pledge of Allegiance At 9/11 Commemoration

Personally, I like Presidents who aren’t captured… on film not knowing all the words to the Pledge of Allegiance.

TENNIS: Novak Djokovic disqualified from US Open after hitting game official with ball

I guess that means the Djokovic is on him.

At campaign event in PA, Trump mocks Biden for wearing a mask (in accordance with public health guidelines for combating the pandemic): “Did you ever see a man that likes a mask as much as him?”

…. only Comic book superheroes…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)