Last Train to Clarksville: 2020

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The Monkees classic “Last Train to Clarksville” gets updated for the time of COVID-19.

Last Train to Clarksville

Take the last train to Clarksville

(I’m sorry, what?)

And I’ll meet you at the station

(Um, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but for the last seven months or so we’ve been in the grip of a global pandemic and traveling anywhere is a really bad idea.)

You can be there by four-thirty

(I feel like you’re not listening.)

‘Cause I’ve made your reservation, don’t be slow

(Listen, why don’t we just set up a nice little date on ZOOM.)

Oh, no, no, no

(We can watch While You Were Sleeping and do a whole Mystery Science Theater thing with some wine.)

Oh, no, no, no

(Why not?)

‘Cause I’m leaving in the morning

(Where the fuck are you going?! Hello? Global pandemic? You might have heard about it on the news.)

And I must see you again

(Ok, this is a good time to put this out there: We went on one date seven months ago and, to be honest, you seemed a little needy. Also…you live in Clarksville and the train service is spotty, at best.)

We’ll have one more night together

(I can’t say that this isn’t tempting. It’s been a long seven months.)

Till the morning brings my train and I must go

(Go? Go where? And leave me alone in Clarksville? To do what? Sit around your apartment until you come back?)

Oh, no, no, no

(Is there even anything to do in Clarksville?)

Oh, no, no, no

(I have to say, you’re not selling this well.)

And I don’t know if I’m ever coming home

(Dude, what the fuck?)

Take the last train to Clarksville

(Um, no.)

I’ll be waiting at the station

(I. AM. NOT. COMING. TO. CLARKSVILLE.)

We’ll have time for coffee-flavored kisses

(You are very bad at this.)

And a bit of conversation

(Well, we should talk about you wearing a mask and taking precautions if you’re going to be traveling.)

Oh, no, no, no

(Face masks are critical in preventing the spread of COVID-19.)

Oh, no, no, no

(I’m never going on Tinder again. Ever.)

Take the last train to Clarksville

(Again, I feel like you’re not listening.)

Now I must hang up the phone

(Finally, something we agree on.)

I can’t hear you in this noisy railroad station all alone

(You’re at the station already? The last train to Clarksville doesn’t leave here for another three hours.)

I’m feeling low

(Yes, we all are. We’re in a global pandemic, with no end in sight, because the country is being run by a game show host who bankrupted in a business where the house always wins.)

Oh, no, no, no

(Oh, yes, yes, yes. He’s a goddamned moron.)

Oh, no, no, no

(I need to work on my self-esteem. I’ve made some horrible dating decisions.)

And I don’t know if I’m ever coming home

(And I could not possibly care less.)

Oh

(Oh, good. Something I said finally got through to you.)

Take the last train to Clarksville

(FUCK!)

And I’ll meet you at the station

(I need you to acknowledge that I’m not coming to Clarksville.)

You can be here by four-thirty

(Why are we still talking about this?)

‘Cause I’ve made your reservation, don’t be slow

(Are you still at the train station? You need to go home…)

Oh, no, no, no

(…wash your hands. Social-distance…)

Oh, no, no, no

(…)

And I don’t know if I’m ever coming home

(…)

Take the last train to Clarksville

(…)

Take the last train to Clarksville

(…)

Take the last train to Clarksville

(I’m hanging up now.)

Take the last train to Clarksville

Kristopher Wood
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