The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Trumper Roseanne Barr

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Roseanne Barr.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Absolutely. Today on the show my guest is comedian Roseanne Barr.

JERRY

Good morning, Roseanne.

ROSEANNE BARR

Hi Jerry.

JERRY

Haven’t heard from you in a while.

BARR

With the coronavirus and stuff, I’m vegetatin in Hawaii. My alone time is for your safety.

JERRY

You’re a big Trump supporter.

BARR

Damn straight. Orange is the new Black. Make America Hate Again. The Donald is a very stable genius.

JERRY

If lies were bricks, Trump would have built that wall by now.

BARR

We Hawaiians have a sayin’. Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.

JERRY

Your ex-husband Tom Arnold said you purposely sabotaged The Conners sitcom so it would be cancelled in 2018. Your racist tweets about Valerie Jarrett gave the network no choice.

BARR

I stand by my statement. Valerie Jarret is a Muslim and an ape.

JERRY

Actress Rita Moreno said, “You are a sorry excuse for a human being.”

BARR

If I had poisoned Rita 30 years ago, I’d be out on parole by now.

JERRY

Comedian Wanda Sykes said, “Roseanne is just an old lady who shouldn’t be on Twitter.”

BARR

Wanda is a washed up no talent. Her hair is bigger than my mouth.

JERRY

So what are you doing to help the Trump campaign?

BARR

I’m writin racist jokes for his rallies. The Rubes love’em.

JERRY

Like what?

BARR

Why do Mexicans have small steering wheels?

JERRY

I don’t know.

BARR

So they can drive them with handcuffs on. Actually, I wrote the joke with Sheriff Joe Arpaio when we wuz visitin the White House.

JERRY

(sarcastic) Wonderful.

BARR

Thought of this one this mornin when I was drinkin beer. Would you like to hear it?

JERRY

Sure. Let you stupidity be a shining light for Republicans.

BARR

How do you distinguish an Arab from a terrorist?

JERRY

I can’t imagine.

BARR

You don’t. That’s the problem.

JERRY

Have you ever been treated for mental illness?

BARR

Yeah. I had a baby in a mental hospital when I was 16. I was really messed up.

JERRY

Did that child ever try to find you?

BARR

Never. She was kidnapped by aliens. Every time I eat a Mars bar, I think of her. Ya know. Mars bars are just nutless Snickers. Right? Guess you can say they’re infertile.

JERRY

Why don’t you leave politics? Do some good for humanity.

BARR

I just donated $1,000 to a charity for blind children. But I doubt they’ll ever see any of the money. I’m gonna start my own charity called Dummies R Us.

JERRY

Name one thing that makes Dummies R Us special.

BARR

My peeps sit on a TV to watch a couch.

JERRY

Are you sure a coconut didn’t fall on your head?

BARR

Nah. I live with mental illness which makes my husband jealous.

JERRY

Gotta get the hell out of here before I crack up. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.