Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

RIP, RBG

One of the great Supremes, right up there with Diana Ross, Florence Ballard and Mary Wilson. God speed!

McDonald’s is selling a 3-foot chicken nugget body pillow that looks wildly realistic

… and is more nutritious!

Woodward bested Trump the same way he bested Nixon: Understanding power

Damn, let’s face it, Bob Woodward f%$ked Trump so bad, the only thing missing was Jerry Falwell Jr. sitting in the corner watching.

Astronomers have found a potential sign of life in the clouds of Venus

So, women might really be from Venus and men from Mars.

Cardi B and Offset are getting a divorce

… and fonts named after them….

Pence called a former aide who spoke out against the Trump Administration “disgruntled”

Let’s face it, almost no one leaves Trump “gruntled.”

Canada brewery apologizes for beer named ‘pubic hair’ in Maori

Damn, Canadians are so polite that in the Canadian version of a Bond movie, the villain is known as ‘Dr. No Thank You!’

Judges order Kanye West off Arizona and Virginia ballots

Here’s hoping Taylor Swift demands he’s replaced by Beyoncé.

Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole Young requests nearly $2 million a month in spousal support amid divorce

Well, they were married for 98 years in Snoop Dogg years.

Trump wanted to trade Greenland for Puerto Rico

…and a U.S Territory to be named later…

Kanye West urinates on Grammy Award during his latest Tweet storm

Damn, I remember when Milli Vanilli had two other people do that for them!

UAE, Bahrain and Israel sign historic “Peace” deal

The people most surprised by any peace deal between Israel, UAE and Bahrain are the people of Israel, UAE and Bahrain who had no idea they were at war.

Why Jill Duggar Dillard decided to drink alcohol

If you spent that much time around that many kids, why you didn’t drink was a better question…

Multiple White House staff have tested positive for COVID-19 today

… that’s what happens when you have a herd mentality…

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)