Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Selena Gomez demands Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg shut down ‘hate speech’ groups

Yes, that’s you she’s talking to, Belieberers!

Mexico finds 2 tons of marijuana in the ocean

Now, that’s my kind of sea weed.

Is Trump broke? New report details decades of President’s taxes and financial failures

Turns out, Melania stayed in the marriage so she didn’t have to pay Donald spousal support!

Stassi Schroeder breaks her silence after being fired from ‘Vanderpump Rules’

And, says “would you like fries with that burger?”

Woodward bested Trump the same way he bested Nixon: Understanding power

Hey, Joe Biden, first thing you should do as President is put Woodward’s phone number on call blocking.

Mike Bloomberg raises $16 million to allow former felons to vote in Florida

… and there’re way more sofas and chairs to tip over to find money in where that came from.

Lindsey Graham signals support for confirming a Supreme Court nominee this year, flip flopping on his position four years ago

Y’gotta wonder how many pool boys Lindsey’s got hidden in that cabana closet?

Happy 73^rd birthday, Steven King

Steven King is 73? Now, that’s scary.

Cindy McCain is endorsing Joe Biden,

While Meghan McCain says she’s for her favorite person… herself!

8 Texas cities were alerted to a brain-eating amoeba found in water supply

… hurry, send in Ted Cruz, so it will die of starvation.

Prince Andrew spent £16,000 of taxpayer money on private flight to watch The Open golf

Can we just be happy it wasn’t to a Girl Scout Jamboree?

Two separate pilots on two different flights reported seeing a man in with a jetpack flying 3,000 feet in air over Los Angeles; FBI investigating

While Snoop Dogg says “big deal,” he’s been seen higher over L.A many times, and without a jet pack.

Trump administration stuck with 66 million doses of near-unusable chloroquine and hydroxychloroquine

Damn, there are going to be a lot of pissed off kids come Halloween.

Trump: Covid-19 affects “virtually nobody”

… looks like Trump has lost interest in Covid-19, now if it was Covid-16… but looked like it was Covid-20 …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)