White House Tax Service - David Martin, Humor Times

We’re the White House Tax Service and we’ve got the answers to your tax filing questions.

The deadline for filing your 2020 income tax return isn’t until next April but it’s never too early to start preparing now. We’re the White House Tax Service and we’ve got the answers to your tax filing questions:

I’m a successful small businessman and I voted for Mr. Trump in 2016 because he promised a big tax break. So far, I’m still paying five-figure tax bills.
The fault is not Mr. Trump’s; it’s clearly yours. If you had signed on with us, you would have been realizing huge tax savings and, even in the best of years, paying no more than $750.

I used to deduct significant charitable contributions on my income tax but now the IRS says I have to back up all those claims with receipts. What can I do?
You’re absolutely right but there’s no cause for concern. Simply create your own charitable foundation. Then not only can you issue your own receipts, you can also channel all kinds of financial transactions through your foundation as charitable contributions. (HANDY HINT: Set up a straw bidder at auction to buy a portrait of yourself with foundation funds.)

I’ve gone over my return with a fine tooth comb looking for additional deductions but I can’t seem to come up with any more. Any suggestions?
Have you considered hair care expenses? If you host a reality TV show or even if you just make public appearances and occasionally refer to your hair, you should be able to write off such expenses. And don’t forget to claim them for family members as well.

For the first time ever, I’m being audited by the IRS and I’m terrified. What should I do?
Don’t worry; you should actually be thankful you’re being audited. Audits take years and seldom amount to very much. On the other hand, they provide a handy excuse to not release your tax returns if some busybody Democrats should start nosing around.

Every year for years I’ve received a sizable refund from the IRS. This year, it looks like I’m going to owe them a big amount. What the heck happened?
It sounds like you probably ran a successful business with a sizable profit. Generally, we don’t recommend that approach. Instead, we suggest you borrow as much money as you can and then run your business into the ground. I know that sounds counterintuitive (if not un-American) but once you’ve racked up a huge loss, you can carry it forward and apply it against any gains for years to come.

I’ve been playing the loss-carry-forward game for years now but it looks like I may have reached my limit. Try as I might, I can’t seem to find banks willing to loan me any more money. Any advice?
No need to restrict yourself to domestic banks; foreign banks are also willing to lend you money especially when you’re already in hock to them up to your eyeballs. Rather than swallow a huge loss, they’re usually willing to loan you even more no matter how risky your business is.

I’ve run out of banks both foreign and domestic which will loan me money to keep my business afloat. I’m already on the verge of bankruptcy and not sure what to do.
Bankruptcy is always an option especially if you structure your companies such that they don’t have access to your personal assets. If that’s not possible, have you considered non-bank lenders? Think outside the legal box and start fishing for financial assistance anywhere from Azerbaijan to the UAE. By the way, we’ve heard good things about Russia and China.

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David Martin

Dave's political satire and short humor have appeared in most major North American newspapers. He is also the author of several humor collections including "Dare to be Average", "Screams & Whispers" and "King Donald I" available on Amazon.