Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Spinal Tap to reunite for Democrats in Pennsylvania fundraiser

On a scale of 1 to 10 that’s an 11.

Cavalier White House approach to Covid-19 catches up to Trump

Let’s face it, Trump getting the coronavirus is like if Dick Cheney shot himself in the face.

Kris Jenner sued by ex-bodyguard who says she sexually harassed him; she ‘vehemently’ denies it

This week on ‘Keeping it Up with the Kardashians.’

Joe Biden paid $300 grand in taxes in 2019

…. or, in Trump dollars that would be paying off two Porn stars and six months of hair and make-up!

Why Jill Duggar Dillard decided to drink alcohol

If you spent that much time around that many kids why you didn’t drink was a better question…

Lindsey Graham hammered by Democrat opponent, Jamie Harrison, who tells him to ‘be a man’ and likens him to a cheating child in election debate

It was less a debate and more like Lindsey Graham was auditioning for ‘So, You Think You Can Tap Dance?’

Exit the Dragon: First ‘Masked Singer’ Season 4 castoff is Grammy-nominated ’90s rapper Busta Rhymes

Although at his age he should change his name to Busta Hip…

Mitch McConnell ‘refusing to debate if there is a female moderator’

… unless Mike Pence’s wife is present.

Trump taxes show years of questionable returns

MAGA = Making Accountants Get Attorneys

Happy 96th Birthday, President Jimmy Carter

Keep lusting in your heart; it’s good for the circulation.

Hannity touts hydroxychloroquine after Trump tests positive for Covid-19

Apparently, Hydroxychloroquine is the Latin word for ‘What do you got to lose?’

The Air Force secretly designed, built, and flew a brand-new stealth fighter jet

… or maybe they didn’t …

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are obsessed with this American fast food restaurant… In-N-Out Burger

So, not surprisingly, he’ll never be the ‘Burger King,’ either.

Trump said to be in ‘critical phase’ of virus battle

… we’ll know Trump’s in serious trouble if Pence starts playing golf to prepare to take over for Trump…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)