The show must go on, and so a nationwide hunt is underway for Trump’s debate replacement!
Donald Trump has refused to participate in the upcoming second debate after the Commission on Presidential Debates announced that it would be conducted virtually. The commission is scrambling to find someone to substitute for Trump and has apparently already received the following replies:
Mike Pence
Of course I would be willing to step in for the President. After all, Iāve just spent the last four years with my head so far up his butt that I can now clearly see through his open mouth. Whatever he wants me to say, Iāll say it. Whatever he wants me to do, Iāll do it. God has ordained that I should serve President Trump and nothing would give me more pleasure than to perform in his place. All I ask is that I donāt have to debate any more women.

Mike Penceās fly
Needless to say, I was surprised to learn that I was under consideration to sub for President Trump in Thursdayās debate. Iāve been told that I received a lot of buzz after my two-minute performance at the vice presidential debate. Iām, of course, thrilled to hear that and honored just to be considered as a stand-in or fly-in for Mr. Trump. But, letās face it, a large part of my success was due to the contrast between me and Mike Penceās snow-white hair. Without that stark background, I suspect I would get lost in the mix and therefore I must decline.
Donald Trumpās wife
I am always willing to take on any task that could help my dear husband remain in his separate quarters in the White House. Although my debate skills are a bit rusty, I do know how to deal with cantankerous old men in their 70s and thus I suspect that I will have little trouble keeping Joe Biden in his place. Plus, I know how to be civilized and polite so that should give me a leg up right away. In short, I will Be Best.
Donald Trumpās daughter
I can understand why youāve come to me rather than Melania. After all, the woman can barely speak English and her grammar is atrocious. Be Best? What the heck is that? The First Daughter is ready and able to stand in for Daddy and trounce Joe Biden with my silky smooth voice and first rate debating skills. After Iām through with that joker, Iām sure that Daddy will become King and I will finally be the princess that Iāve always wanted to be.
Donald Trumpās hair
Well, itās about time I got the recognition I deserve. If it werenāt for me, clearly the President would not be where he is today. As unhinged as the man is, imagine what heād be like if I didnāt spend countless hours maintaining my impeccable appearance. I have demonstrated consistency and equanimity as First Hair and therefore would be more than a match for that senile ex-Veep. For someone who spends hours a day combing and weaving, ninety minutes debating Joe Biden will be a breeze.
White House custodian Lawrence Lipscomb
This is definitely a first for me although I canāt say that I was completely surprised given that everyone from Kayleigh McEnany to Stephen Miller to Chris Christie is unavailable due to either full-blown COVID-19 or a two-week isolation. I welcome the opportunity to display my debate skills honed during my grade ten civics class. So long as I remain one of the few White House employees to test negative, I think I could really āclean up.ā After all, given the Presidentās performance last week, I couldnāt do any worse.
- The Proud Boys’ Letter to President Trump - January 8, 2021
- Betting on Trump - January 6, 2021
- Melania Trump’s Christmas Letter - December 23, 2020