The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews VP Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris to talk about the 2020 Presidential race.

JERRY

Hi Senator Harris.

SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS

Hello Jerry.

JERRY

Welcome back to the show, Mr. Vice President.

VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE

Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful. Slow to anger.

JERRY

Hold on there, Pat Robertson. Some people say I have a quick temper. But I think it’s a quick reaction to bullshit, Penster.

PENCE

The world is flat. It is firmly established that it cannot be moved. Chronicles 16:30.

HARRIS

The world is round. Like your balls. Wait a second…you don’t have any balls.

PENCE

I’m confused.

HARRIS

Let me explain. Do you know why women rub their eyes when they wake up?

PENCE

Have no idea.

HARRIS

Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

PENCE

Let me ask Mother Wife and get back to you.

JERRY

Last week Donald Trump got the coronavirus. And yet he left the hospital without testing negative. The Trumpster can spread the disease to everyone in the White House. What kind of communication will you have with him, Veep?

PENCE

I will be wearing a mask and social distancing the recommended 15 feet.

JERRY

I thought it was 6 feet.

PENCE

I’m allowing an extra 9 in case he has a gasser. Redesivir and KFC with baked beans is toxic.

HARRIS

I’m worried Republican members of Congress will spread the disease to every member. These Trumpsters are determined to carry their baby to full term.

PENCE

Our president saved millions of lives from COVID-19 by stopping flights from China last January. Donald Trump was on top of it.

HARRIS

The only thing Trump was on top of was Stormy Daniels. He ordered travel restrictions on flights from China in February, not January. The flights weren’t banned until June. By that time over 100,000 Americans died from COVID-19. Big lie, Penster.

JERRY

The Trumpster told reporter Bob Woodward he knew how deadly COVID-19 was in early January, but did nothing about it.

PENCE

Mother Wife and I prayed it would go away. I had no idea God was on vacation.

JERRY

You don’t know a lot of things. For instance, if God sneezes when you meet him, what do you say?

PENCE

For God sake, cover your mouth. Don’t you know about the coronavirus?

HARRIS

Let me ask you. How much is Trump’s life insurance payout?

PENCE

I don’t know.

HARRIS

One pence.

JERRY

How will things change if you and Joe Biden are elected?

HARRIS

Number one. We will have Donald Trump arrested and put in a cell with ISIS fighters in Guantanamo Bay.

Number two. We will force Attorney General Barr to participate in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest until he explodes.

Number three. We will make you Mike Pence teach sex education at Berkeley.

JERRY

That sounds reasonable. Same question to you, Penster. Penster?

PENCE

I’m worried I might enjoy it.

HARRIS

Absolutely you will. Your assistant is going to be Megan Fox.

PENCE

What will I tell Mother Wife?

JERRY

How about, “Do you want me to move out of the house?”

JERRY

How will things change if you and Donald Trump are re-elected?

PENCE

Number one. If the president and I are re-elected, we will build a wall around blue states.

Number two. Fox News will be the only TV network.

Number three. The president and I will invite Putin and Kim to join our cabinet.

JERRY

Hey, Penster. Trump, Putin and Kim jump off a cliff. Who wins?

PENCE

No clue.

JERRY

Mankind.

JERRY

Just a minute, I have a text message. The fly that was on top of Penster’s head during the Vice Presidential debate is in studio.

FLY

Hi Penster. Remember me? I was trying to lay eggs on your head during the debate.

PENCE

I’m flattered that you were attracted to me.

FLY

Don’t let it go to your head. Most women find you disturbing.

JERRY

Hey, Fly. Two flies are sitting on dog poo…

FLY

My favorite meal.

JERRY

One farts. The other says, “Do you mind? I’m eating my dinner.”

FLY

I like you, Duncan. I’m homeless. Can I live with you?

HARRIS

Don’t let her, Jerry. I know about flies. When I was a little girl, we were so poor my mother asked a fly for money. He turned her down, so I killed him and ended up in jail.

FLY

Rough childhood.

HARRIS

Yeah. We didn’t eat healthy and I had plenty of pimples. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

HARRIS

Do you have more time so I can tell you other childhood horror stories?

JERRY

Sorry. I’m not allowed to leave the planet. See you tomorrow everyone.

The Jerry Duncan Show

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.