Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

The Norwegian Nobel Committee has decided to award the 2020 Nobel Peace Prize to the World Food Programme

While Trump originally thought he’d won!

Former White House counselor Kellyanne Conway tests positive for COVID-19

On a side note, Kellyanne is the only known survivor of both the Rose Garden and Bowling Green Massacres.

Katy Perry’s baby girl Daisy Dove looks just like her

… squashing speculation on who the baby’s mother might be…

POLITICO: Plexiglass to separate Harris and Pence at VP debate

Pence’s wife changed her name to plexiglass?

Katie Holmes’ relationship with Emilio Vittolo reportedly made his mom “furious”

So, she thinks he’s rowing up Dawson’s Creek without a paddle?

Donald Trump s “hopped up” on steroids and performance enhancers, former White House official says

In fact, Trump looks so jacked up on ‘roids, he shouldn’t challenge Biden to a debate but a home run hitting contest!

RIP, Eddie Van Halen

2020, take a f%*king day off, will ya?

Jets players, coaches reportedly sent home after ‘presumptive positive’ COVID-19 test

No word if this includes the Jets’ wide receivers who have trouble catching anything.

Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling react to Jessica Alba’s claim she had a bad experience on ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’ set

…. and then they went back to their shifts at Appleby’s.

Stephen Miller tests positive for COV/iD-19

Nobody’s really worried because the only things that can kill him are a wooden stake or sunlight.

McConnell says he’s avoided the White House for months because of Covid concerns

Damn, the turtles are jumping ship, too.

Irish Supreme Court rules that Subway ‘bread’ isn’t bread

I beg you, Irish Supreme Court, don’t tell us what’s in the meatballs!!!!

Megyn Kelly slams Kamala Harris on debate behavior

Megyn really needs to change her name to Karyne.

Prosecutors drop sex solicitation case against New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft

… so, for Kraft, just another happy ending…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)