Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Mnuchin

Mnuchin says if Trump wins he plans to stay on as Treasury secretary. Adds that he will not stay on if asked by Biden

Reminds me of Chris Rock saying “that’s like me saying I’m boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited.”

Trump, Biden dueling town halls gave voters a different view of the candidates

Could Biden be any more boring? I mean it, can he please be even more boring? I’m all in for that.

Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling react to Jessica Alba’s claim she had a bad experience on ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’ set

… and then they went back to their shifts at Appleby’s.

13 charged in plot to kidnap Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer

So, it looks like those white supremacists in Michigan who wanted to kidnap the Governor are going from being Incels to being in cells!

‘The Masked Singer’ reveals the identity of Baby Alien… former QB Mark Sanchez

The giveaway was when he dropped the mic and the Crocodile picked it off and ran it back for a touchdown.

Mar-a-Lago’s hometown newspaper endorsed Joe Biden

In fairness, they probably have an ax to grind with Trump not paying his subscription…

Huge python caught in the Everglades sets a new record

So, that’s where John Cleese’s been.

US trade deficit rises 5.9% to $67.1 billion in August, highest since August 2006

Shouldn’t that be ‘bigliest?’

Lindsey Vonn’s butt and back look so toned in a new bikini Instagram photo

… proving for Lindsey it’s not all downhill from here.

Mike Pompeo: Clinton emails could be released before election

Looks like Pompeo didn’t wait until Nov 1 and set his clocks back to 2016.

Kim Kardashian wore a bikini and sat inside a giant birthday cake to announce her latest makeup collection

Shocking the hell out of people at Gelson’s bakery section…

Perdue Chicken scrambles to clarify after Sen. Perdue mocks Harris’ name at Trump rally

Thinking Sen Perdue has anything to do with the chicken people is like thinking Sen. Rand Paul’s mom is the frozen fish sticks lady.

Meghan Markle on why she quit social media

I’m guessing because her interactions could best be described as ‘The Princess and the Pea Brains.’

Taliban endorses Trump

… remaining living members of Manson Family next…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)