Interview: Senator Bernie Sanders and His Uncle

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Bernie Sanders and His Uncle Max Sanders.

Ed. Note: Announcing an all-new The Jerry Duncan Show series on YouTube! Episodes 1 & 2 are available now (scroll down to see them on this page) and Episodes 3 & 4 will air Monday November 2. The cast features Broadway and television stars.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders and his Uncle Max Sanders.

JERRY

Hi Bernie.

SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

Hello my Alaskan friend. I want you to meet my Uncle Max.

JERRY

Hi Max.

MAX SANDERS

Can you believe Bernie drags me to this fakakte lake in Vermont to go fishing?

BERNIE

We’re in a boat on Lake Champlain.

MAX

Champagne, complain. I’ve never fished in my life!

BERNIE

Try it, you’ll like it. There’s bass, trout, northern pike, salmon.

MAX

What is this a 5 star restaurant? If I want salmon, I’ll go to Sol’s Deli for lox.

BERNIE

Jerry. Vermont has 7,000 miles of rivers and streams, 800 lakes and ponds. We can fish in any direction.

MAX

Can we catch gefilte fish? Give me something to live for.

BERNIE

When I was a little pisher in Brooklyn, my father took me fishing in the Hamptons.

JERRY

The Hamptons? That’s where all the rich people live.

BERNIE

Correct. Pops said money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty. The problem was we fished in people’s koi ponds, so we had to run for our lives.

MAX

Running. Isn’t that how you got the bug to go into politics?

BERNIE

Absolutely. We poor folk and activists had something in common. We were both fighting for change. In my case, a couple of nickels to rub together.

JERRY

How about you, Max? What did you do for a living?

MAX

I was an accountant.

BERNIE

Uncle Max is the smart one in the family. But he is cheap.

JERRY

How so?

BERNIE

Last week, he put a quarter in the parking meter and complained to city hall there wasn’t a gumball. Let me give you another instance. Two years ago his wife Ruth asked for diamonds for her birthday. He brought her two — the eight and the queen.

MAX

Yes. I’m conservative.

BERNIE

Don’t mention that word. I’m up here to relax from high blood pressure.

JERRY

So fellas. How do you plan to catch fish? Do you know what you’re doing?

BERNIE

How hard can it be? I have a can of night crawlers, a net and a few fishing rods.

JERRY

How do you get the worm on a hook?

BERNIE

You squeeze it through. Then cast the rod and wait for a fish to take the bait. It’s not rocket science.

MAX

I got a better idea. I’ll just swim to shore.

BERNIE

You’ll drown.

MAX

Exactly.

BERNIE

Jerry. We got a problem.

JERRY

Did you run out of prune juice?

BERNIE

This is H-U-G-E. The boat just sprung a leak.

MAX

The one day I go fishing and end up on the Titanic.

BERNIE

Don’t panic.

MAX

Where’s the life jackets?

BERNIE

Oy. I forgot them.

MAX

Can I call a lifeline?

BERNIE

Regis is dead.

BERNIE

Jerry. You’re a smart man. Should I use Max’s toupee to plug the hole?

JERRY

Nah. Try your ear wax. It’s waterproof. Lord knows there must be 79 years worth in that canal.

BERNIE

Hold on. This might take a while. Lots of crud.

MAX

Do you need some of mine?

BERNIE

No. I have so much wax they could put me in a wax museum.

JERRY

Do you have enough yet?

MAX

Shut up so he can keep digging.

BERNIE

You’re on schpilkas. I’m digging. I’m digging.

JERRY

And?

BERNIE

I found an old Q-tip.

BERNIE

Wait. I can fill the hole.

JERRY

Great.

BERNIE

Now I’ll start the motor and we’ll head back to shore.

The motor doesn’t start.

MAX

This isn’t going to end well.

Starts singing My Heart Will Go On from the movie Titanic.

MAX

Near, far where ever you are, I believe that the heart does go on…

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Here are Episodes 1 & 2 of the all-new The Jerry Duncan Show series on YouTube!

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.