Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Senate votes on Amy Coney Barrett’s Supreme Court confirmation

Not saying the nomination was in the bag but she’s rumored to have already put down a deposit on a home for her family and kids.

Trump privately complains Jews are ‘only in it for themselves,’ blames black people for inequality

He must’ve really hated Sammy Davis Jr!

The US is on track to experience the fewest recorded deaths from lightning strikes in a single year

You’d think it would be worse what with all those tin foil hats.

Donald Trump Jr. asks ‘Where’s Hunter Biden?’

…. When Trump Jr. asks “Where’s Hunter Biden,” maybe he’s just trying to score some blow?

The NBA is targeting Dec. 22 for the start of the 2020-21 season

Or, as the Kardashians call it a new season of ‘The Bachelorette.’

How Rudy Giuliani got caught red handed with ‘Borat’s’ daughter

For now, Rudy’s acting like there was nothing going on in that hotel room… I mean, it’s not like she was a first cousin or anything.

50 Cent retracts Donald Trump endorsement

He’ll now be known as 46 Cent having given his 2 Cents. Twice!

Shakira can speak English, Spanish, Italian, Arabic, and Portuguese fluently

… and in every one of those languages her hips don’t lie.

Susan Collins just made the most Susan Collins comment about the debate

Let’s face it, Susan Collins prefers building a fence to a wall so she’ll have someplace to sit.

Ice Cube sets the record straight on his plans with Trump in interview with Chris Cuomo

Frankly, you’d think a guy named Ice Cube would be more worried about global warming.

Tiffany Trump becomes campaign liability after Miami birthday bash during COVID 19

For the first time, Trump can say he barely knows someone and not be lying …

Prince William has been caught staring at breasts

In fairness, Prince Andrew has put on a few pounds!

Jill Duggar admits to using condoms

… but only as water balloons.

Trump: “If I lose to him … you will never see me again”

That’s punishment? How?

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)