An interview with Kris Kringle himself, who assures us that Santa’s still coming to town, despite the pandemic and other hassles.
I always look forward to Christmas but given the pandemic I have been afraid that the holiday might have to be canceled this year. So, to find out, I called the North Pole to ask Kris Kringle if he would still be coming to town to make his Christmas Eve deliveries, or would he have to shelter in place at the North Pole?
Here’s how our conversation went:
Me: Santa, will you be delivering presents to all the good little girls and boys this December? I sure hope so, as you make Christmas the most wonderful time of the year.
Santa: I know people really enjoy the Yuletide but for me it’s become such a hassle.
Me: What do you mean?
Santa: Well the number of kids around the world keeps growing and now the Federal Court for the Southern District of New York has ruled that I’m discriminating on the basis of religion. They say I need to be giving presents to children of all religions, not just Christians. Under these circumstances a lot more toys will need to be made and delivered, yet I haven’t been able to hire many more workers. It seems that elves just want to sit on the shelf and collect their stimulus checks. It’s been harder and harder for my existing staff to keep up.
And the Christmas Eve sleigh ride is now fraught with increasing problems and dangers.
Me: Like what?
Santa: Well, last year I was charged with involuntary Grandma slaughter after a grandson and his grandfather claimed that Grandma was run over by one of my reindeer while walking home on Christmas Eve. Fortunately, under cross examination they admitted that she had been drinking too much eggnog, so I was acquitted.
I was also charged with sexual assault after a boy claimed he saw his mom and me kissing under the mistletoe. In his testimony the little pervert said, “I did. I really did see Mommy and Santa Claus kissing.” However, the prosecution couldn’t prove that she wasn’t kissing the boy’s father or that the mom wasn’t the aggressor. Truth be told, Mommy did kiss me. When you’re famous they do that.
In both cases I had to retain legal counsel. Finding lawyers who are not on the naughty list is not easy. That I can tell you.
Last year I was also arrested several times for breaking and entering. In every case I was able to talk my way out of it, but the interruptions put me way behind schedule. And I can’t tell you the number of times I set off a house alarm.
Me: You make a lot of children happy though.
Santa: Yes, but it’s becoming more difficult to know what gifts are appropriate in today’s environment. I know that hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots is the wish of Barney and Ben. However, giving guns as presents has become an issue because the anti-gun organization, Moms Demand Action, is insisting that I not give firearms to little boys (or girls).
I also know that a doll that will talk and go for a walk is the hope of Janice and Jan, but some feminists think that dolls are not politically correct gifts for girls these days.
By the way, I’ve also been hearing from a lot of Moms and Dads who tell me that they can hardly wait for in-person school to start again. I know how they feel. Unfortunately, I have no control over that.
And, not surprisingly, Americans want only toys made in the U.S.A., but I see what Keebler is paying elves in its U.S. factories and I can’t afford to pay such uncommonly good wages.
Me: Do you still put coal in the stockings of the naughty kids?
Santa: I have in the past, although with so many coal mines shutting down it’s difficult to find enough coal to fill the naughty kids’ stockings. Last year I only had enough for Donald Trump and some of his senior advisors like Stephen Miller and Kelly Ann Conway.
Me: Even though the trip is a hassle, you must be looking forward to all the milk and cookies.
Santa: Not really. I must eat a million cookies every Christmas Eve and each one has an average of eight Weight Watcher’s points. It is terrible for my diet. I usually don’t dare to weigh-in before March. And as far as the milk goes — I’m lactose intolerant. What I could use is a cup of cheer because, Baby It’s cold outside in many parts of my route.
Me: I understand. But we will have Christmas this year, right?
Santa: Yes, the pandemic won’t stop that, I’m still coming to town.
Me: Will it be the same as past Christmases?
Santa: I’m afraid not. Instead of delivering toys, I have been working on a plan with the CDC to fill all stockings with Covid-19 vaccines, facemasks, and hand sanitizer. Kids may not like it, but they will thank me later. Of course, my deliveries will be curbside only this year. Next year I plan to have all deliveries made by drones.
So, there you have it. We will have Christmas this December as scheduled, however, instead of getting what you want Santa will be bringing you what you need.
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