Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews an Alaskan fisherman.
Watch episodes 1 and 2 of The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Maybe. Today on the show my guest is my old neighbor Oleg Svenson, a commercial Alaskan fisherman from Wasilla.
JERRY
Good morning, Oleg.
OLEG SVENSON
Ahoy, Jerry.
JERRY
Where are you? I hear wind on the line
OLEG
I’m on a fishin rig between Russia and Alaska. We’re tryin to catch crabs.
JERRY
You should of told me. I know a few women that could of helped you fellas out.
OLEG
No. I’m talkin Alaskan King crab. That’s where the big bucks are.
JERRY
It’s such dangerous work you do at sea. I remember when my Uncle Elmer got caught up on a coil line and fell overboard. A minute later a great white shark swallowed him whole. My dad said he was always spoiled.
OLEG
I hope the shark didn’t get sick. They’re an endangered species ya know.
JERRY
So is you mind.
OLEG
We’re careful, Jerry. We have these 800 pound steel cages called crab pots where we catch these little critters. They take herring bait at the top of the ramp and fall in the pot.
JERRY
Always wondered. Why do crabs walk up the ramp sideways to take the bait?
OLEG
Because they have nothin’ to look forward to. Ya know, we don’t just fish for crab. We catch sockeye and king salmon. Halibut, too. The other day a salmon walked into a vegetarian restaurant. The waiter said, “Sorry, we don’t serve fish.” The poor thing had to settle for a bean burger.
JERRY
Hey, folks. I read that 80% of wild salmon comes from Alaska. 43 million were harvested last year. That sounds fishy to me. Is it true, Oleg?
OLEG
Ya. These fish are so gullible. They fall for things hook, line and sinker.
JERRY
It must be rough being at sea and away from your family for weeks at a time.
OLEG
Oh, ya. But we entertain ourselves. Play tug of war. I always tell the guys if you fall overboard and look up at the boat, you’re probably drowning.
JERRY
Oleg. My late mother Maggie just stopped by. She wants to ask you a few questions.
OLEG
Sure. Hi Maggie. How’s life treatin’ ya?
MAGGIE DUNCAN
I have no life. I’m dead, stupid.
OLEG
My condolences. I had a brain fart.
MAGGIE
Oleg. You’re out to sea or out to lunch. One of the two.
OLEG
You betcha.
MAGGIE
What I can’t understand is why people get attacked by sharks. Can they not hear the music?
OLEG
You’re funny. I get it, Jaws.. great white shark.
MAGGIE
I’ve been doing stand up at For Heaven’s Sake Comedy Club. I’m the opening act for The 3 Stooges. Just the other day, Moe told me that I was a pretty smart ignoramus.
OLEG
Do you know the best way to communicate with a fish?
MAGGIE
Drop it a line.
OLEG
How did you know?
MAGGIE
I wrote the joke.
JERRY
Oleg. I can barely hear you. What’s going on?
OLEG
I think there’s a storm. The waves are crashin over the boat. Oh man, it’s a giant female gray whale!
JERRY
Is she going to tip your boat over?
MAGGIE
Do you want me to call God?! I have his cell phone number.
OLEG
Hold on. I think I can communicate with her.
MAGGIE
What? You flunked English.
OLEG
I’m fluent in Blubber.
JERRY
Folks. I don’t know what’s happening.
OLEG
I’m back. She’s pissed.
JERRY
What happened?
OLEG
I asked her if I gave her the crabs would she go away.
JERRY
You idiot. Tell her the Alaskan King crabs in you pot.
OLEG
Good idea.
MAGGIE
Now I know why his mother slapped the doctor when he was born.
OLEG
It worked, Jerry. You saved the day. She swam yonder.
MAGGIE
See what you can do Jerry when you put your mind to it? Just remember, your mother always loves you.
JERRY
Tomorrow everyone if I don’t go insane.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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