Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Rudy Giulianni caught with ’15-year-old girl’ Borat actress in a hotel room

Sounds like If Rudy gets COVIC-19 it’ll be because it looked like it was COVID-15, but said it was COVID-21!

Dodgers win World Series

Makes sense, if anyone’s ready to play in front of empty seats after the 7^th inning, it’s the Dodgers. Well done!

Donald Trump: Biden better take COVID-19 more seriously or he might get it and infect a bunch of people

Trump does more projecting than an AMC multiplex…

Man stunned by ‘very rare’ two-headed shark: ‘We have never seen anything like this before’

While in Hollywood you can’t go two blocks without seeing a two-faced shark…

RIP Sean Connery

No word if at the end he was shaken and didn’t stir.

Lesley Stahl gets security detail after receiving death threat following interview with Trump

… and, likewise, for Diane Sawyer in the event they’re actually the same person.

Mike Pence’s office says he has no plans to quarantine because as VP he is an essential worker

… making him the first one in American History…

Only 12 people have walked on the moon and they all did so within three years

13 have moonwalked, if you count Michael Jackson.

Ivanka Trump declares she is ‘unapologetically’ ‘Pro-Life’ for the first time

That really should be ‘Pro 15 to Life’ when it comes to her plea deal.

Sen. Perdue pulls out of final Georgia Senate debate with Jon Ossoff

Professional tip: if your last name is Purdue don’t do something chicken.

Happy 40rh birthday Kim Kardashian

… and a happy 18th to those butt implants.

Miles Taylor, ex-Homeland Security official, says he wrote scathing anti-Trump op-ed and book under pen name ‘Anonymous’

If nobody’s ever heard of an ‘Anonymous’ source, is he still anonymous even after he reveals his own identity?

Noah Cyrus wore a naked bodysuit at the CMT awards last night

Damn, a whole family you wouldn’t recognize if they had clothes on.

Hundreds of Trump supporters waited hours in the cold for buses after an Omaha rally

… lucky them, usually Trump throws his supporters under the bus…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)