Jerry Duncan Show: Alaskan Truck Driver

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Alaskan truck driver Melissa Pickle.

(Watch The Jerry Duncan Show YouTube series here.)

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Alaskan truck driver Melissa Pickle.

JERRY

Good morning, Melissa. Looks like you’re in this interview for the long haul.

MELISSA PICKLE

Shut up. Keep on truckin, Duncan. I’m one of the few women long haulers in Alaska.

JERRY

You’re a big lady. Weren’t you a former wrestler?

MELISSA

Yep. They called me The Diva Crusher. Would make women wrestlers cry when I hit them over the head with a chair. For shits and giggles, I tossed them into the crowd.

JERRY

Sounds like a lot of fun. Reminds me of the other day when I watched two silkworms in a wrestling match.

MELISSA

Who won?

JERRY

It ended in a tie.

JERRY

Oh, brother. This interview is going south. What do you haul, Crusher?

MELISSA

Potatoes, barley, oats, reindeer.

JERRY

Reindeer?

MELISSA

For Santa Claus, dummy. There’s more than one fat man in a red suit traveling on Christmas Eve.

JERRY

You’re right. How could one man that porky make it across the world without getting stuck in a chimney? Bottom line, kids need their presents.

MELISSA

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

JERRY

No clue.

MELISSA

A rebel without a Claus.

JERRY

Go change your Depend diapers. You idiot.

MELISSA

I need to wear diapers when I’m driving in Alaska. Cause every time I cough or sneeze, my radiator leaks and my exhaust backfires.

JERRY

Eww. I need a barf bag.

MELISSA

Don’t worry. I keep plenty of extra jeans in the trailer.

JERRY

Cutting you short, Big Bertha. Have a call coming in from president-elect Joe Biden.

JOE BIDEN

Hi Jerry.

JERRY

Congratulations, Mr. President. You beat the crazy Trumpster.

BIDEN

Thank you, my Alaskan friend.

JERRY

What’s the first thing you did when the news broke that you won the election?

BIDEN

Bought a new pair of Aviator sunglasses. Now I can stare longer at hot women and the sun.

JERRY

I can’t believe it. This is your third try and you won the presidency.

BIDEN

I’ve overcome so much. Being a stutterer was life changing.

JERRY

How so?

BIDEN

When I was a kid, I hung around with some bad dudes. Every car in Scranton had only two hubcaps. We stole the others and sold them. I’m not proud. But the worse part is my buddy Jimmy Krumholtz, who was also a stutterer got caught and went to jail.

JERRY

He was a thief. Thieves go to jail.

BIDEN

No. You don’t understand. He died in his cell.

JERRY

That’s awful. Too bad there wasn’t police reform.

BIDEN

That wasn’t it, Jerry. The reason Jimmy the stutterer died was because he couldn’t finish his sentence. It’s a turd, I mean a nerd, shoot… absurd. Have to run. Kamala just killed Barr’s credibility.

JERRY

Are you still there, Crusher?

MELISSA

No. I’m boarding a cruise ship in Juneau. Hell, I’m driving through a blizzard in the Yukon! Gotta pullover.

JERRY

Knock. Knock.

MELISSA

Who’s there?

JERRY

Yukon.

MELISSA

Yukon who?

JERRY

Yukon say that again. See you tomorrow everyone.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Author
Recent Posts

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.