Jerry Duncan: James Carville & Giuliani

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews James Carville and Rudy Giuliani.

After reading this exclusive interview with James Carville and Rudy Giuliani, be sure to check out episodes 1-4 of The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube!

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. My guests today are the “Ragin Cajun” Democratic strategist James Carville and former mayor of New York City Rudy Giuliani.

JAMES CARVILLE

Son. I say, son. Some people like Rudy Giuliani are so narrow-minded that they look through a keyhole with both eyes.

RUDY GIULIANI

Hey, boy. LSU sucks! And so do the Saints!

JERRY

We’re just getting started folks.

JAMES

Excuse me, Ukraine Brain Drain. The Yankees are like dirt. They both get swept.

JERRY

The election is over and Donald Trump got creamed. The votes are counted. Biden won with 306 electoral votes to Trump’s 232.

RUDY

The election was rigged. How can you vote out a man who had the Trump University scam, 6 bankruptcies between 1991 and 2009, cheated on his taxes, had two divorces and cheated on all 3 of his wives? Did I forget his failed airline beverages and magazine? Quite an accomplishment.

CARVILLE

Are you delusional? You just indicted and convicted your friend and client Donald Trump.

RUDY

(upset) Oh God. I took truth pills by mistake. Remember, the truth isn’t the truth. Deer balls are under a buck.

JERRY

Relax. You remind me of a penny, because you’re two-faced and worthless.

RUDY

Thank you for the kind words.

JERRY

What happened in the election, Ragin Cagin? Joe Biden won the presidency, but the Democrats lost 15 seats in the House. And only a net gain of 1 seat in the Senate.

CARVILLE

They lost because Lefties like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez introduced a plan for the Green New Deal. You can’t remake the U.S. economy by getting rid of the fossil fuel industry overnight. Hundreds of thousands of workers would lose their jobs.

RUDY

Donald Trump has the solution. Drill our way to prosperity. More oil wells, fracking, pollution. Make America Tank Again.

JERRY

You seem uptight and irritated, Carville.

CARVILLE

You bet your sweet ass. Trump is trying to undermine our democracy by not conceding. Putin loves it.

JERRY

You need to relax. I understand its turkey season for hunters in Louisiana. Get out there and bring home some dinner.

CARVILLE

Already have. Shot my first one. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was friggin awesome!

RUDY

He’s so ignorant, Duncan.

JERRY

Kind of like your president, Rudster. Drag a hundred dollar bill through a trailer park. You never know what kind of Trump supporters you’ll find.

RUDY

I got bigger fish to fry. The press is trying to smear me from my cameo in Borat 2. The fake news claims I had my hand down my pants while I was checking out one of the actresses.

JERRY

You did. I saw it.

RUDY

That’s a lie. I have bad arthritis. My hand got stuck when I was trying to feel it after I farted. Almost lost two fingers in the blast.

CARVILLE

Rudster. I wanna. I say I wanna know if Trump is going to leave office on January 20.

RUDY

No. All the votes are illegal. Irregularities in the ballots, dead people voted. Ben Franklin voted twice in Philadelphia.

JERRY

What about the Republicans that won on the same ballot?

RUDY

Alternate facts, Duncan. They won honestly. There’s a difference. Trump’s name was in pixie dust. It magically disappeared.

JERRY

Using your logic, the next time the Democrats cheat they better figure out how to win the Senate.

CARVILLE

If Borat can trick Rudy, imagine what KGB spies can do.

RUDY

I got dirt on Hunter Biden. There will be hearings in the Senate for the next 4 years. You’ll wish Donald Trump was president.

CARVILLE

Don’t get giddy, Rudster. A copy of Obama’s birth certificate will be stapled on Trump’s indictment. The Southern District of New York is licking their chops to put him in the slammer.

JERRY

That does it for today. Next time you’re planning an event, call Rudy Giuliani. You could end up at the Four Seasons…Total Landscaping in Philadelphia.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.