Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Justin Trudeau says he’s first world leader to personally speak with President-Elect Biden

Canada’s gotta be like “thank God the meth head downstairs is moving out.”

Jared Kushner’s company reportedly moves to evict hundreds as pandemic rages

Damn, I didn’t realize that many people lived in the White House.

Scientists discovered how to ferment coffee grounds into 80-proof liquor

… can’t wait for a Mocharita.

Jennifer Lopez’s production company beats $40 million lawsuit from woman who inspired ‘Hustlers’

Good thing because no way Lopez comes up with 40 mil in singles.

News anchor suspended for asking why 2020 ‘took’ Trebek, not McConnell

Strange because he did phrase it as a question.

Jeffrey Toobin fired from the New Yorker after his naked Zoom debacle

Although, in reality, it was more like he gave himself the shaft.

Trump’s gray hair during press conference leaves viewers baffled

Hmmm, sounds like someone ran out of his ‘Just For Mad Men.’

Climate crisis could kill off great tits, scientists warn

What boob came up with this headline?

Nicolas Cage’s 1967 Ford Mustang from ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ Just Went Up for Sale

… for 20% off you also get Cage as a driver.

Ice Cube groans over backlash he received for working with President Trump: ‘Have a nice life’

If Ice Cube loses anymore Rap street cred, he’s going to have to change his name to Vanilla Ice Cube.

Cop sues Breonna Taylor’s boyfriend over emotional distress

That’s like Dahmer suing a victim for giving him a stomach ache.

White House press secretary said more than 1 million attended a demonstration in support of Trump, but it was more likely thousands

Damn, any fewer people marching in DC and Trump can claim a second inaugural.

Guitar Center plans to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection

No word if investors are being told not to fret.

Trump fires Secretary of Defense Esper

… on the latest episode of ‘Cabinet Apprentice …’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)