Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

More metal scaffolding, fencing going up around the White House

… mostly to keep out Trump’s creditors.

Poll: 38 percent of Americans plan to have Thanksgiving dinner with 10 or more people

Which will cut down the number of people at family Christmas parties.

Black hair dye drips down Rudy Giuliani’s face at presser

Any more black dye on Giuliani’s face and he could be the Governor of Virginia!

A Mississippi Republican has called for the State to ‘succeed’ from the Union over the election

Given its ranking in health, education, etc., it’ll be one of the few times Mississippi ‘succeeds.’

Obama’s memoir ‘A Promised Land’ is over 750 pages

Trump’s won’t be that long even if it repeats chapter 11 six times.

Trump blocks transition, as he refuses to accept loss

It’s like the only way to get Trump to move out of the White House is to tell him Corey Booker just moved in next door.

MySpace trending

To see what’s up, I got out my old BlackBerry.

Trump campaign rallies led to more than 30,000 coronavirus cases, Stanford researchers say

… on the upside Trump supporters can brag they got into Stanford.

Happy 78th birthday Joe Biden

No malarkey, that.

List: Here’s where masks are and aren’t required

PSA: Reminder, if they can make you wear pants then they can make you wear a mask.

Belgian King meets secret daughter after decades of refusing to recognize her

So, no more waffling …

Georgia’s Secretary of State officially certified President-elect Biden’s win over Trump

Damn, Biden’s racked up more wins in Georgia than Nick Saban!

Couple had sex off a Florida highway in the middle of the day; Passing drivers interrupted

Well, you are supposed to call for help when someone’s been rear ended.

Donald Trump Jr. tests positive for COVID-19

… making it the first time Don Sr. got to say anything positive about Don Jr. …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)