Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Alice’s Restaurant: Thanksgiving 2020 marks 55 years since event that inspired Arlo Guthrie’s song

And, the length of the actual “Alice’s Restaurant” song…

Georgia Sen. Kelly Loeffler tests positive for Covid 19

Not that surprising, she bought it with inside info at Covid 12!

Joe Biden’s now won in Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Georgia

He’s not only President-Elect but the favorite to play in NCAA Football Title Game.

Rodney Dangerfield would’ve turned 99

RESPECT!

Rudy Giuliani asked Trump’s campaign to pay him $20,000 a day for his legal fees

… better get that in cash Rudy.

Zoom nightmare come true: New Jersey school board member resigns after streaming bathroom break during meeting

A reminder to all: No boom boom when on the Zoom Zoom.

Trump gives one-minute press briefing

Or, as Stormy Daniels calls it, $130,000 worth!

Purdue won’t debate Ossoff in Georgia Senate runoff

Professional tip: If your name is Purdue don’t act like a chicken.

Sex Pistol John Lydon, aka Johnny Rotten, was bitten by a flea on his penis

Where the f**k’s PETA when they’re really needed!

One Direction planning a reunion

Makes sense, with so many restaurants closed most of those guys are jobless!

Biden names Blinken next Secretary of State

No word on who will take his place as one of Santa’s reindeer.

LA just closed all dining INDOOR/OUTDOOR for 3 weeks? Matt Leinart “Can’t wait to move out of this awful place”

That’s ok, whenever Matt’s asked to pass the salt, it gets picked off and run back for a touchdown!

NYC Sheriffs broke up a sex party with 80 people, a room full of mattresses, and boxes of condoms

No word if they found Falwell Jr. sitting in a corner watching.

Chris Christie calls Trump’s legal team a “National Embarrassment”

… finally, for Christie, a bridge too far…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)