Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Biden appointments — Biden now rolling out appointments.

Biden begins rolling out appointments

In fact, Biden just replaced 12 jobs previously held by Jared Kushner.

Meet the Ho family in new trailer for HBO Max Reality Series

Which is also the name of the version of The Kardashians broadcast in China.

The Pope named the first African American Cardinal ever

… making him the second-best black cardinal ever right after Bob Gibson.

Trump and his allies have won zero out of at least 32 lawsuits they’ve filed since Election Day

Where’d Trump find his lawyers…. on Low IQAnon?!

Cyber Monday sales estimated reaching $10BB to nearly $12BB

Personally, I’m just thankful Cyber Monday is over, and people can go back to using the Internet for what it was intended…. Twitter, crazy cat videos and porn.

Happy 72nd birthday, Ozzie Osbourne

I worry about Ozzie. If he had a stroke how would we know?

ADHD is trending

Although, it lost me at “H.”

Obama, Bush and Clinton say they will take the COVID-19 vaccine publicly to gain public trust

… while, apparently, Jimmy Carter’s lived long enough.

The petition to remove Amber Heard from Aquaman 2 now has over 1.5 million signatures

I’m shocked, shocked they made an Aquaman 1.

Court dismisses Trump’s election case “with prejudice”

… so, you gotta believe Trump thinks he won.

House votes to decriminalize marijuana at federal level

I’ll smoke to that!

Frank Carney, founder of Pizza Hut, has died

While the founder of another pizza parlor better hope this isn’t the first Domino.

Iran’s top nuclear scientist was fatally shot in northern Iran

So, natural causes.

Is Trump throwing Bill Barr under the bus?

… personally, I’m worried about the bus …

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)