Jerry Duncan Interviews the Conspiracists

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews fellow conspiracists Louis Gohmert and Jim Jordan.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are the conspiracists, crazy Texas Republican Congressman Louis Gohmert and the crazier Ohio Republican Congressman Jim Jordan.

LOUIS GOHMERT

I will lie for Trump.

JIM JORDAN

I will die for Trump.

LOUIS GOHMERT

Then can I have your wrestling trophies, Jordan?

JORDAN

Sure. I’ll even throw in my old smelly mat.

JERRY

When I’m done with this interview, you clowns will be drowning in your own sweat.

JERRY

Let’s get right to it. You two anarchists are members of the Freedom Caucus, which is sympathetic to the Tea Party. You are actively trying to change the results of the election in favor of Trump.

GOHMERT

It’s a conspiracy. Las Vegas odds gave Trump the win. I go by the facts.

JORDAN

That’s the evidence the Supreme Court refused to consider. Here’s another fact you don’t know. Viagra is a recreational drug. I am against Medicare and Medicaid paying for it.

JERRY

Don’t change the subject.

GOHMERT

Hey. I use Viagra. The wife and I play horse around the house after I take the pill.

JORDAN

I may have a change of heart. Will Viagra help me grow taller? I’ve been mistaken for a chimpanzee.

JERRY

Congressman Jordan. What do you get when you offer a member of the Tea Party a penny for his thoughts?

JORDAN

No clue.

JERRY

Change.

JERRY

Gohmert. I was reading about the high crime rate in Texas. Why are there so many unsolved murders?

GOHMERT

I don’t know.

JERRY

Well I do. There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA.

JORDAN

I heard that on Hannity, so it must be true.

JERRY

Chimp Jordan. 126 House Republicans and 17 Republican State Attorneys General signed onto the Texas lawsuit to overturn the election results in the swing states in favor of Donald Trump. Attorney General William Barr confirmed that there was no election fraud. The lawsuit was frivolous with no evidence and the Supreme Court dismissed the challenge.

JORDAN

That’s not what we’re complaining about, Duncan. Joe Biden was born in a blue state. That’s illegal and disqualifies him for president.

(sound of chimpanzee) Ooh, ooh, ooh, eee, eee, eee, aah, aah, aah.

JERRY

You’re a conspiracy wing nut, Chimp. Joe Biden is the new president.

GOHMERT

With Biden in charge, I will no longer be able to wave my QAnon flag with pride.

JERRY

Pride? The Trumpster is undermining our democracy. He’s ruled by fear and anger over the rule of law.

GOHMERT

Fake news. I think you’re being controlled by Hillary Clinton. There’s microwaves coming from your head. I feel the vibes.

JERRY

If you say so, Gomer Pyle.

JORDAN

How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?

JERRY

I dunno.

JORDAN

Three. One to hire a Mexican and two to deport him when he’s done.

GOHMERT

That’s another fact, Duncan.

JORDAN

And Gohmert knows. He’s one of the most racist guys in Congress.

GOHMERT

Better believe it. You name the minority, I’m against them.

JERRY

I say to that remark. Make pee,pee, not teepee.

JERRY

Folks. The difference between Democrats and Republicans? Democrats remind us that life is unfair, and Republicans make sure it is. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Author
Recent Posts

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.