Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Arianna Grande bought Katy Perry a 700-dollar baby outfit

No word if Arianna Grande bought a matching one for Katy’s actual baby.

ESPN analyst Paul Pierce being sued by weed consultant over unpaid wages

In fairness, how good is the weed if the guy remembers he’s owed money?

Biden reportedly considering nominating Pete Buttigieg to be ambassador to China

Guessing the only thing holding up the nomination is Biden’s ability to pronounce ‘Buttigieg.’

Trump and allies have now lost their 50th post-election lawsuit

So, they get a free medium fries and large soda with their next filling.

Happy 51st Birthday, Jay Z

You got 99 problems, and pretty soon getting up in the middle of the night to pee will be one!

Carlos Santana agrees with Royals: $17M, two years

No word if that includes riffing the occasional National Anthem on his guitar.

First lady Melania Trump “just wants to go home”

I don’t believe American citizens are allowed in Slovenia right now.

Astronomers are mystified by these ghostly, unexplained circles seen in space

Maybe, God is just tired, which would explain any circles under his skies.

Biden heading to Georgia to stump for Ossoff and Warnock

The Demz got Georgia if they can just get all those Tyler Perry characters to turn out.

SCOTUS passes on having Ted Cruz argue before them

… and who can blame them?

Rudy Giuliani comes down with Coronavirus

Nobody’s too worried because only garlic, a wooden stake, or sunlight can kill him.

Mike Tyson-Roy Jones Jr. fight reportedly brought in $80 million

… but is worth $140 million, if you factor in those AARP discounts.

January Jones trolled the National Enquirer after it asked her to comment on her ‘desperate’ bikini posts

No word if the Enquirer is now going to sick Big Foot, Nessie and/or ETs on her.

All of Donald Trump’s remaining lawyers have Coronavirus

… well, compared to most people who work for him, at least they got something …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)