Georgia On My Couch - David Martin, Humor Times

Georgia seeks therapy regarding strange new feelings and blue state tendencies.

Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. I know I’ve been avoiding therapy sessions lately, but things are so crazy that I just had to talk with you right away even if it is over Zoom.

Just to catch you up, a lot has happened since we last met. As you know, it was no great secret that I’m a red state and that I’ve been a proud red state for quite some time.

Much to my surprise, however, this past year I’ve been struggling with some strange new feelings. Much of me still feels like that good ole boy I’ve always been. But now I’m grappling with some blue state tendencies that, quite frankly, I didn’t even know I had.

I know you’re going to say that it shouldn’t have been a surprise that I might be transitioning given what happened in 2018. The fact that Stacey Abrams almost knocked off Brian Kemp should have been a clue that my political identity might be what you once described as fluid.

I guess I was in denial because everything just came to a head in early November. In case you didn’t know, there was a Presidential election and everyone, including me, just assumed I would be voting Republican and that Donald Trump would once again take my sixteen electoral votes.

Long story short; it looks like I may be a blue state after all. The last time I checked, Joe Biden had more Georgian votes than Donald Trump and apparently I have subtle Democratic leanings.

Trump and his allies are fighting to reverse that result. They say that I’m not really a blue state, that I’m a red state and always have been a red state. They claim that there’s no such thing as a Southern blue state, that the vote tallies are wrong and that I’m just confused.

But if you check the Electoral College results, the U. S. Constitution and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it looks like I’m a bona fide blue state. The DSM-5 makes it clear that although voting Democratic may be unusual for a southern state, it is no longer classified as being abnormal.

Given the election result, I really need some private time to process what has happened and to resolve my conflicting feelings. Am I really Democratic? Was being Republican just a lie I told myself?

Unfortunately, no one wants to give me that needed privacy to work out my true nature. The Electoral College has been helpful in certifying my new status but it seems like everyone else is trying to force me to commit to a particular political lifestyle right now.

I was kind of hoping that over time folks would just accept the November results and leave me alone. But that’s not going to happen, at least not any time soon.

I can’t just lead my private life and figure out what I want to be in 2022 or 2024. I don’t have the luxury of years to explore my feelings; I don’t even have months. In fact, it looks like I’ll have to decide in a matter of weeks.

You see there are two Senate runoff elections on January 5^th and everyone’s telling me that I have to decide what I really am on that day. It’s becoming a huge national spectacle and, frankly, I’m stressed out and embarrassed.

Should I vote Republican again in both races or should I explore the possibility of casting my ballots for two Democrats? Or maybe I should try being bi-political and split my votes. Whatever happens, I just wish Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer would leave me alone and let me live my life in peace.

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David Martin

Dave's political satire and short humor have appeared in most major North American newspapers. He is also the author of several humor collections including "Dare to be Average", "Screams & Whispers" and "King Donald I" available on Amazon.