Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews those infamous White House farewell party guests.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. We’re live streaming. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guests are members of the outgoing Trump administration. There’s a big farewell party at the White House. Even Putin is in attendance.
RUDY GIULIANI
Duncan, it’s Rudy.
JERRY
Thanks for reminding me. I thought it was Daffy Duck.
GIULIANI
The coronavirus is a nothing burger. I was cured in one day. Do I look any different?
JERRY
No. Still uglier than hell and the hair you lost on your head is growing down your back.
GIULIANI
That’s neither hair nor there. Donald Trump is right. The coronavirus is a hoax. Millions of Americans have it. Nothing more than the flu bug. My advice is to go out and live it up.
JERRY
Well. Maybe I should. I finished Netflix yesterday.
GIULIANI
Excuse me. Putin has some dirt to give me on Hunter Biden. I love a good conspiracy theory.
JERRY
Speaking of conspiracy theories. It’s Senators Lindsey Graham and Ron Johnson.
RON JOHNSON
Can’t wait until Trump is sworn in on January 20th.
LINDSEY GRAHAM
I even bought a new dress for the occasion.
JERRY
C’mon. Attorney General Bill Barr admitted the election was free and fair. No evidence of voter fraud in the 2020 election. Trump lost to Biden.
GRAHAM
Just because the Pope is Catholic doesn’t mean it’s true.
JOHNSON
Yeah. He wears a yarmulke. What does that tell you?
Graham and Johnson yuck it up.
GRAHAM
That’s funny, Ron. I never laughed so hard since White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said Biden’s chance of winning was “one-in-a-quadrillion.”
JOHNSON
Quadrillion. Isn’t that the ERA average of her former major league pitcher husband? Betty White can throw better than that loser.
JERRY
Get serious. There was a massive cyber hack by Russia on U.S. federal government agencies. Johnson, you serve on the Homeland Security Agency. What are you and the Trumpster doing about it?
VLADIMIR PUTIN
I overhear conversation. Trumpster my stooge. He know I honest man. No hack. Trumpster and I go back long way. I remember at Moscow restaurant when we have dinner. Waiter say to me, “Can I take your order?” I say, “I will have steak.” Waiter say, “What about the vegetable?” I say, “he will also have steak.”
JERRY
Trump is like a cream puff, because he’s crumbling. Look out, Vlad! You’ll get hit by that tank! (pause) False alarm. It’s Governor Chris Christie.
GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE
Did you say cream puff? I have a sweet tooth.
PUTIN
Fat people like you lucky. You eat whatever you want and not worry about getting fat.
CHRISTIE
Did you just diss me? I removed all the bad food from this farewell party. It was delicious.
JERRY
Can I ask you a few questions, Vlad?
PUTIN
Sorry. I need to find stooge. Bye.
CHRISTIE
He doesn’t know it, but the stooge is at Mar-a-Largo. He’s transferring $650 million offshore. Oops.
JERRY
The Trumpster owes those monies to companies that he’s stiffed!
CHRISTIE
(nervous) I, I…gotta hide. This may have been my last meal.
JERRY
Good. Now we’ll have enough food to feed the continent of Africa. Oh look, it’s Senator Mitch ‘Turtle’ McConnell.
MITCH MCCONNELL
I’m here to defend the president. At least his money laundering is being done in Taiwan. Those people know something about the laundry business.
JERRY
How do you know if a Chinese person broke into your house?
MITCH
The ping pong table is missing?
JERRY
You can’t find your dog.
MITCH
Let’s end on a positive note. Trump will be gone and I will make Joe Biden a one term president. I’m pure evil. God bless America and my wife Elaine Chao’s inheritance.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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