Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Christopher Walken has never owned a computer or cellphone or sent an email

Maybe if they had more cowbells?

The 21 Club has told its 148 employees it has ceased operations indefinitely and they will be terminated March 9 of next year

NYers now will have nowhere to get a 112-dollar hamburger and fries…

Arizona and Michigan state legislatures shut down due to lawmakers’ exposure to Rudy Giuliani

Man, he screwed these people like they were his cousin.

Tom Brady’s business gets nearly $1 million PPP loan

… while Jay Cutler’s application was picked off and run back for a touchdown.

Trump argues FOX News committed “media suicide” by calling the election for Biden

Look for him on ‘FOX and We Used to be Friends.’

Mayor Pete named Secretary of Transportation by President-Elect Biden

Proving gay people no longer belong in the closet, they belong in the cabinet. Well played.

Trump’s 1 – 56 in court cases

It’s like his lawyers play for the Mets.

Joel Osteen slammed for pocketing $4.4 million in COVID relief funds and lying about it

Hmmm, so there isn’t a Biblical Passage COVID 1:9?

Keith Richards. Happy Birthday today 77

Dude, doesn’t look a day over 146!

Joe Biden wins again as Electoral College confirms his victory over Donald Trump

Biden’s won so often it’s like he is now the 46th, 47^th, and 48th Presidents of the United States.

Master Spy Novelist John Le Carre died at 97

… or, did he?

Op-Ed urging Jill Biden to drop the ‘Dr.’ sparks outrage online

People complaining about Jill Biden using Dr. Jill Biden, gotta think Dr. Martin Luther King could do one helluva appendectomy.

Falwell Jr. drops defamation lawsuit against Liberty University

Looks like they f$%ked him, but let him sit in the corner and watch. Win. Win.

DOJ investigating potential White House ‘bribery-for-pardon’ scheme…

.. it’s like Trump went from “Celebrity Apprentice” to ‘Plea Deal or No Plea Deal!’ …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)