Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Alaska school bus driver Calvin Holmes.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is is a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Wasilla, Alaska school bus driver Calvin Holmes.
JERRY
Good morning, Calvin. Are you done dropping off the kids?
CALVIN HOLMES
Yep. I’m home, but pissed off.
JERRY
Why?
CALVIN
My kid left some uncooked sausage out of the freezer overnight. When I discovered it, I realized I was dealing with a spoiled brat. I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse and chase the rider.
JERRY
Now you’ve been a school bus driver for 25 years. What is your proudest moment?
CALVIN
I’d have to say the afternoon I drove 20 miles out of town to a winery and didn’t realize there was a kid asleep in the back of the bus. I’m proud, because after I downed a bottle of Merlot and passed out, the kid drove the bus to his house.
JERRY
That’s frightening.
CALVIN
Not really. He picked up his friends, so he wasn’t alone.
JERRY
What’s the worst moment?
CALVIN
There were so many. I remember when a blonde woman tried to blow up my school bus. Fortunately, she burned her lips on the tailpipe.
JERRY
Can anyone be a bus driver?
CALVIN
Nope. You need to pass a written exam at the Motor Vehicle Division and get a Class B commercial driver’s license.
JERRY
What about your education?
CALVIN
Eighth grade. My IQ came back negative. Pretty damn good I’d say.
JERRY
Oh, brother. How many kids are in the Wasilla school district?
CALVIN
Pret near 3,000. About a dozen of us drive them kids to school every day. Pretty bad yesterday though.
JERRY
How bad?
CALVIN
Well. We’re careful to stop at all railroad crossings and traffic lights. But this new driver Wilma Fern was fired, because her bus almost got hit by a train. When questioned, she told my boss that her biggest fear was dying alone. And that’s why she drove the bus.
JERRY
What’s black and yellow and goes “Ahhhhh?”
CALVIN
Don’t know.
JERRY
A school bus falling off a cliff.
JERRY
Wasilla is very rural. Some rough terrain.
CALVIN
Oh, ya. I have to pick up Eskimo kids. Aside from once getting a walrus tusk shoved up my ass by a 5th grader, it’s not too bad. The only problem is all the igloos look the same. But it’s kind of sad. If anyone falls behind in their mortgage, the bank melts their igloo.That’s what they call a liquid asset.
JERRY
Excuse me, Calvin. There’s a call coming in from former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.
SARAH PALIN
Duncan. I need to make an important announcement.
JERRY
Go ahead, Caribou Barbie.
PALIN
On behalf of the Palin family, I’d like to nominate Calvin Holmes a CNN Hero for changing the world.
JERRY
Did you run out of crazy things to say?
PALIN
No, Duncan. Calvin saved my ex-husband Todd after my son Track tied him to the back of a pickup truck as bear bait.
JERRY
Hey, Sarah. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
PALIN
Geez. I don’t know.
JERRY
A gummy bear.
PALIN
Duncan. I’m gonna fill your rear end with buckshot!
JERRY
Sorry. Continue the story.
PALIN
Calvin saw Track and rammed his truck with the school bus. Track ran away and Todd was rescued. I saw it on YouTube. It was like watchin Free Willy, but no Michael Jackson music.
JERRY
Let me ask Calvin what he thinks about all this hero stuff.
JERRY
Well, Calvin?
CALVIN
I’d rather have a home cooked meal at the Burger King. Just sayin.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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