Jerry Duncan Interviews an Alaskan Farmer

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Alaskan farmer Clint Stone, from Wasilla, Alaska.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Alaskan farmer Clint Stone, from Wasilla, Alaska.

CLINT STONE

I don’t give a damn about the state of Iowa, because who in the hell likes corn?

JERRY

I like corn.

CLINT

Yeah? Well, two corns in a field were telling each other corny jokes. And they were the laughing stalk.

JERRY

Great. I bet you don’t even know who the leader is of the corn army.

CLINT

Sarah Palin?

JERRY

No. The kernel.

CLINT

Colonel Sanders? The chicken guy?

JERRY

Moving on, Tumbleweed. Tell me about yourself.

CLINT

I’m a farmer. Own 500 acres of land. Grow taters, hay. Sell wool and dairy. Even have my own zoo.

JERRY

(impressed) Really.

CLINT

Yep. People flock to my zoo every summer to see the animals.

JERRY

What kind of animals?

CLINT

Reindeer, yak, bison, bear, moose, deer, sheep, pigs. And this summer, I have on loan from Sing Sing Correctional Facility the Trump brothers Eric and Don Jr. Speakin of pigs, do you know the difference between the Trump brothers and pigs?

JERRY

No clue.

CLINT

Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

JERRY

And here I thought I knew everything.

JERRY

What is a typical day on the farm?

CLINT

I get up at 4 in the mornin and feed the animals. Then I clean out the manure in the pens and hose them down with sanitizer. Gotta do it. Sometimes I sleep out there when the wife gets pissed off. My old lady is like a goat, because she goes on a “ram” page.

JERRY

Does she help with the chores?

CLINT

Sure. Emma milks the cows.

JERRY

You know, I was always wondering. If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out of her nose?

CLINT

I’d kick you in the head, but I’m afraid I’d lose my shoe. I’m reminded of the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Clint. How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

JERRY

I can relate. My grandpa died from the ice bucket challenge. On a good note, at least he stopped smoking.

CLINT

Duncan, I just got a text. My wife Emma wants to say “Hi.” Is that okay? I mean you’re a media star and all.

JERRY

Absolutely, I’m cool. Put her on.

EMMA STONE

Mr. Duncan. I dreamt about you last night in my sleep. We were sitting on a tractor and you promised me a new refrigerator if I ate 25 pounds of marshmallows.

JERRY

Sounds logical.

EMMA

Not really. When I woke up my pillow was missing.

JERRY

Oops.

EMMA

I’ve had other dreams about you, too.

JERRY

Like what?

EMMA

I was tied to a railroad track and we were kissing. All of the sudden your cell phone rang and you wandered off. As I frantically called your name, the train ran over me.

JERRY

Not good.

CLINT

Emma. Why don’t you ever dream about me?

EMMA

I do. About you taking out the trash, mowing the lawn and doing the dishes.

CLINT

My advice, Duncan. Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.