Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Vanilla Ice performs at Mar-a-Lago New Year’s Party

Where, I’m guessing, they were counting down to welcome in 1992.

Sweden bans alcohol sales after 8 pm, limits the number of people in stores, and recommends face masks on public transport

On the upside, it leaves Swedes lots of extra time to put together those Ikea bookshelves.

Rudy Giuliani’s ‘star’ Michigan witness Melissa Carone has been slammed with a scathing cease-and-desist letter from Dominion Voting Systems

Look for her to plead the fifth… of Jack Daniels.

Three hours after declaring that she was going to sign off Instagram “for a long time,” Hilaria Baldwin returned to the social media platform

Yup, it’s so addictive it’s like getting an insta gram.

Hunter charged with homicide in death of Pennsylvania teen shot while watching sunset

Sit down QAnon people that’s an actual ‘Hunter,’ not Hunter Biden…

‘Super Gonorrhea’ on the rise due to COVID-19 – WHO

Super Gonorrhea sounds like a member of the XXX-Men.

The Supreme Court’s clear message to President Trump: Stop

Damn, the only person treated colder than Trump by a group of Supremes was how Berry Gordy screwed over Florence Ballard.

This is when Costco will have the COVID-19 vaccine, CEO says

I’m guessing when there are 100 million doses available… per person.

Sedition trending on Twitter

I can’t be only one thinking that Ivanka was introducing a new line of perfume.

A man allegedly catches girlfriend cheating after noticing the reflection in her eyes

So, she was literally seeing other people…

Marco Rubio may face a Florida primary challenge in 2022

Marco’s been on both sides of so many issues he might just take himself on.

Prince Harry’s voice has changed for his podcast debut, according to a British behavior expert

Word is, he’ll soon be changing his name to Prince Harryaria…

Lori Loughlin’s daughter Bella recreates Mom’s ‘Full House’ look

And, then off to crew practice.

Peter Navarro says Pence has the authority to give them a ten-day window and also says the inauguration date can be rescheduled

… he must be reading from the ‘Bill of Alt Rights’ …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)