Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

A woman who parked her tiny house on her parents’ property in New Hampshire was forced to move out after the local government said it was illegal

… Some advice, she should just move her little house to the prairie…

Trump slams US fashion magazines for not giving Melania a single cover shoot while he has been in office

If only there was a zine ‘Modern Mail Order Bride.’

‘Super Gonorrhea’ on the rise due to Covid-19 – WHO

Super Gonorrhea sounds like a villain for the XXX-Men.

Gloating and streaming posts by Capitol Building rioters on Parler

Parler is apparently the legal term for “Confess.”

Pregnant Hilary Duff showcases baby bump while asking fans to guess the sex

I’ll give it a shot: “Ok, it was pretty good, oh, you mean of the baby? Never mind…”

Robb Report: ‘Wonder Woman’ star Gal Gadot snaps up a $5 Million Malibu penthouse

Shouldn’t that be “lassoed?”

The Grinch stole physical retailers’ Christmas

Let’s face it, if the Grinch stole this past Christmas, no store would take it back.

Trump legal team now 1 – 61 in election court cases

It’s like he’s represented by the law firm Dunning Kruger and Associates.

Kim divorcing Kanye

Seems her New Year’s resolution was to lose her ass.

Police arrest Florida man who was allegedly carrying Nancy Pelosi’s lectern in the Capitol

Or, as he’s also known, “The Pillage Idiot.”

American and Canadian Airlines will begin booking flights to full capacity

And, losing luggage full time immediately.

Secretary of Education Betty DeVos resigns

Hurry, somebody, hide all the Dalmatian puppies!

Hilaria Baldwin loses Cuties Baby Care brand deal after accent scandal

So, it was a rash decision?

Republicans turn on Trump after Georgia loss

… in fact, Republicans are starting to run so fast from Trump, it’s like they “got on a midnight crazy train FROM Georgia!”…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)