Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews an Alaskan landlord.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. My mother refuses to talk to me. Today on the show my guest is apartment manager Ethel Platt. Ethel made headlines in the Wasilla Frontiersman when she refused to wear a mask in front of tenants.
JERRY
Hello Ethel.
ALASKAN LANDLORD ETHEL PLATT
Just a minute. I’m going to cough into the phone. Maybe you’ll get the coronavirus.
JERRY
That’s not funny. 4,000 people are hospitalized every day for coronavirus. And the city threatened to shut down your building, because you coughed in tenants faces when they complained about anything.
ETHEL
That’s nothing. When I was at the supermarket standing in the checkout line, I yelled “fire” for shits and giggles. Customers were scrambling to get out of the store.
JERRY
Hey, Ethel. How do you get a manager out of a tree?
ETHEL
Beats me.
JERRY
Cut the rope.
ETHEL
(sarcastic) Genius. You’re a real genius, Duncan.
JERRY
Hold on. There’s a call coming in from one of your tenants.
JERRY
Hello?
CALLER NUMBER ONE
You have the nerve to put that slum lord on the air. Her apartment building is full of cockroaches. What does she got to say about it?
ETHEL
Numb nuts. The only cockroaches I’ve seen are in my apartment. They’re my pets Tucker and Sean.
JERRY
Folks, even duct tape can’t fix stupid. But it can muffle the sound. There’s another caller. Boy, are you popular.
ETHEL
Bring it on.
CALLER NUMBER TWO
Hey, Jerk. I called you six times in three days. I haven’t had heat in a week. It’s cold in my apartment, not hot.
ETHEL
Is this Charlie?
CALLER NUMBER TWO
Yeah.
ETHEL
You want hot? Hire a stripper.
JERRY
That’s low brow. I’d say you’re not well liked.
ETHEL
I know tenants don’t like me, but what can I do? Not everyone has good taste.
JERRY
I understand you were in prison for forgery and theft two years ago. How can the owner trust you to collect rent money?
ETHEL
I’m the owner. And served time. I deserve a pardon.
Donald Trump calls into the show.
JERRY
Your wish may come true. The president is on the line.
ETHEL
Are you kidding? My idol.
DONALD TRUMP
I heard about your story, Toots. You brilliantly swindled the First National Bank of Alaska out of hundreds of thousands of dollars by lying about your assets. Been there, done it. On behalf of the president of the United States, you are pardoned. Let every convicted criminal who supported me be pardoned.
JERRY
Why not? A source told me the White House has suddenly turned into a polite place. Everyone is going around saying “Pardon me.”
TRUMP
Fake news. I only pardon convicted felons.
JERRY
Hey, Trumpster. Do you know one out of three Trump supporters are just as stupid as the other two?
TRUMP
Not good. Not good. I’m the greatest president since Ronald Reagan.
ETHEL
Mr. President. What is the difference between you and Ronald Reagan?
JERRY
I know. If Trump gets Alzheimer’s, his IQ will go up.
ETHEL
My boyfriend has Alzheimer’s.
JERRY
Which proves nobody in their right mind would date you.
ETHEL
Why? I’m beautiful.
JERRY
Beautiful? You’re ugly. I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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