Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bill Belichick turns down Trump’s ‘Medal of Freedom’ offer

Trump’s got to be thinking “the deflated balls on that guy.”

Capitol rioter demanded organic food In jail

That’s like R. Kelly demanding Girl Scout Cookies… delivered by actual Girl Scouts …

Rep. Liz Cheney is voting to impeach Trump

Or, Trump can go hunting with her dad. His choice.

‘Vogue’ is under social-media fire for ‘disrespectful’ Kamala Harris cover

No word if some of the critics will make the cover of ‘Get a Life Magazine.’

Trump impeached a second time in 232-197 House vote

… hey, if Trump wants to look at the bright side, at least, this time he got a majority of votes …

RIP Pat Loud of Loud Family PBS fame dies at 91

RIP PAT LOUD OF LOUD FAMILY PBS FAME DIES AT 91.

GOP Sen. Josh Hawley was isolated ‘in a corner’ of a secure room “with no one talking to him or acknowledging him” during Capitol siege: WSJ

Hawley’s also so unpopular back home in Missouri that the state’s motto’s gone from the ‘Show Me State’ to the ‘Show Me Out the Door State!’

Dodger Stadium is now open as a vaccination ‘super site’

No word if Clayton Kershaw will help out, because any vaccine he helps with is going to be more effective in August than October.

Jeff Bezos was an early investor in Airbnb, which means he’s likely to net millions from the home-sharing company’s hotly anticipated IPO

Good, now we won’t have to start that GoFundMe for Bezos.

Trump calls in MyPillow guy to discuss possibility of instituting martial law

That sounds like the MyPillow guy’s gone from making pillows to making ‘overthrow pillows.’

Blake Shelton is facing backlash for his new song ‘Minimum Wage,’ which people are calling tone-deaf

And, that’s according to the members of Nickleback who know a thing or two about tone deaf …

Lindsey Graham travels with Trump to Texas a week after renouncing him

All the books in any future Lindsey Graham library will be spineless.

Victoria Beckham’s son just shocked her by revealing this on Instagram

That: “Mom, If you wanna be my friend, You gotta be friends with my lover. A zigazig ah!”

Trump Administration appointees are resigning with just days left in Administration

… that’s like wearing a condom to the delivery room …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)