Jerry Duncan Interviews Jennifer Lopez - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews singer, dancer and actress Jennifer Lopez.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. Today I’m interviewing singer, dancer and actress Jennifer Lopez.

JERRY

Good morning, Jello.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

It’s J.Lo. Where have you been under a rock?

JERRY

As a matter of fact, I have. Are Peter and Gordon still hot?

LOPEZ

Who? How J. Lo can you go, Duncan?

JERRY

(sarcastic) That’s funny. But let’s talk about your beginning. You started as a dancer in 1991 on In Living Color and became a regular until 1993. Then in 1997, you rose to stardom in the movie Selena.

LOPEZ

I made over a million bucks. Worked my ass off.

JERRY

Well, not quite. The U.S. Navy is considering launching air strikes in the Persian Gulf from your booty according to the Pentagon.

LOPEZ

Why not? I’ll get paid $11 million from Uncle Sam.

JERRY

Hey, J. Lo. What’s red, white, black and blue?

LOPEZ

No clue.

JERRY

Uncle Sam falling down the stairs.

LOPEZ

Don’t disrespect my intelligence. I’m the 38th most powerful woman in the world. Not bad for a poor girl from the Bronx.

JERRY

What a coincidence. I read online that a subway broke down in the Bronx today. They say the problem was under the hood.

LOPEZ

Estas loca! You are nuts! That’s why you got nada and I’m worth millions.

JERRY

But you don’t have Ben Affleck, who you dated for two years. And no Marc Anthony, who you were married to for three years. And two other husbands you were married to before Affleck.

LOPEZ

Yeah. You know your marriage is over when you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.

JERRY

Your love life is in shambles.

LOPEZ

Not a chance. I’m dating Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod! He hit 696 home runs.

JERRY

Batman hit more.

JERRY

You know A-Rod was suspended in 2013 for 211 games, because he took performance enhancing drugs.

LOPEZ

Next question.

JERRY

Hold on, Jello. Kim Kardashian is calling.

LOPEZ

Hey, she’s wasting my valuable time!

Jerry talks to Kim.

JERRY

What’s up?

KIM KARDASHIAN

I am announcing on your show that Kanye and I split. I don’t even know the man anymore. The last straw was when he dressed up like Caitlyn Jenner on Halloween. Kanye showed lots of balls.

JERRY

Sounds like he’s suffering from insanity.

KARDASHIAN

No. He’s enjoying every minute of it.

JERRY

Hold that thought, Kimster. I’m putting J. Lo on the line.

KARDASHIAN

J.Lo?

All three are on the call.

KARDASHIAN

Hey, Girl. I heard you dissed me on The Discovery Channel when they were talking about booties.

LOPEZ

Yes, I did. You’ve been making fun of my booty on your stupid TV show. What nerve! Your booty is so big that it has its own birth certificate. Even a legal name…Kanye. And Sis, I didn’t grow up privileged like you. There was no “Auntie Nicole and Uncle O.J.” For the record, Uncle O.J. murdered Auntie Nicole.

KARDASHIAN

No, he didn’t. Uncle O.J. is still searching every golf course that he plays on for the real killer.

LOPEZ

If the jerk looked in a mirror, it would save time. I hear you’re banned from beaches in California. Something about plastic ruining our ecosystem.

KARDASHIAN

It’s unfair. I’ve only had a facelift, boob job and butt implants.

LOPEZ

Just think. Your plastic surgeon’s office is the only place where no one got offended when you picked your nose.

JERRY

Ladies. I’m outta here. See you tomorrow.

The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner

Author
Recent Posts

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.