Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Highly shorted GameStop, AMC, Bed Beth, Blackberry soar as Reddit users promote

C’mon, GameStop, AMC, Bed Bath and Beyond aren’t stock picks, they’re location spots for a reboot of ‘Fast Times at Ridgemont High.’

Seth Rogen and Ted Cruz clash on Twitter over Paris Climate Agreement and Disney’s ‘Fantasia’

Now that’s some Canadian-on-Canadian crime!

Joe Biden stops motorcade on return from church to buy bagels from trendy bakery

Now, we’re talkin’ a schmear campaign.

Scoop: Google won’t donate to members of Congress who voted against election results

It’s true. I Googled it.

Oklahoma wants to return its $2 million stockpile of Hydroxychloroquine

That’s gotta suck for anyone who just learned how to pronounce it.

Colin Powell has left the Republican Party

He found out they were the WMDs …. ‘Weapons of Mass Deception.’

Cops, Bikers, Firemen and Cowboys for Trump amongst those arrested for Capitol insurrection

This wasn’t just a protest, it was an audition for ‘The Village People!’

Jeff Bezos’ former No. 2 is retiring with more than 48,000 Amazon shares worth as much as $158 million

… 158 million and 99 dollars and 99 cents if you count the free Amazon Prime.

AOC says she won’t work with Ted Cruz, “You almost had me murdered”

Just in case, she should also keep her distance from grassy knolls.

Hall of Famer, former home run king Hank Aaron dies at 86

Damn it 2021, 2020 won the shittiest year competition. Don’t even try…

Jennifer Lopez reveals what Matthew McConaughey said to her before their kiss in Wedding Planner

“Alright, alright, alright, I’ll take a tic tac…”

CNN’s Jim Acosta describes Trump’s “sad and pathetic” last moments before heading to Florida

There were so few people at Trump’s send-off, he probably thought he was being inaugurated again.

Dodger Stadium’s COVID-19 vaccination site shut down after protesters gather at entrance

Fortunately, it’s Dodger Stadium; so, if they just announce its time for 7th inning stretch, everyone will head home.

Marjorie Taylor Greene blames “Jewish Space Laser” for CA fires

… Or, as it was also known: Hanukah 2.0: The Festival of Jewish Space Laser Lights

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)