Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comedian Chris Rock.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is comedian Chris Rock.
CHRIS ROCK
I’m a big star.
JERRY
You sure you’re not Bill Cosby’s illegitimate child?
CHRIS
Could be, bro. Speaking of Cosby. Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar… I don’t remember the rest, but it ain’t pretty.
JERRY
Do you know what Cosby’s favorite Disney character is?
CHRIS
Nah.
JERRY
Sleeping Beauty. Back to the interview.
JERRY
You grew up in the Crown Heights section of Brooklyn. Mom was a social worker and dad a truck driver.
CHRIS
Man, it was rough. The other day I saw a license plate that said, ‘I miss Brooklyn.’ So I smashed their rear window and stole the radio so they would feel at home.
JERRY
Is it true you dropped out of high school?
CHRIS
Yeah. But I got my GED… Good Enough Diploma. There are two things I tell high school dropouts. First, you tried your hardest. Second, I don’t want pickles on my Big Mac.
JERRY
How did you earn a living?
CHRIS
I worked at fast food restaurants. Cleaned toilets, washed windows. Menial crap. When I was at KFC, they didn’t even use toilet paper because everything was finger lickin’ good.
JERRY
That sucks. So how did you become a comedian?
CHRIS
In 1984, I started doing standup at Catch a Rising Star. Eddie Murphy saw my act and became my mentor. Even got me a gig in one of his movies. Eddie and I were so close that he shared a dark secret.
JERRY
Tell me. Please. Pretty please? I need ratings.
CHRIS
Well, okay. Eddie told me that he couldn’t figure out which of the Spice Girls he wanted to impregnate.
JERRY
Sorry I asked.
JERRY
Your success is amazing. You were a regular on Saturday Night Live from 1992-93, have done dozens of HBO comedy specials, and successfully produced and narrated the television show Everybody Hates Chris.
CHRIS
I’m a tough guy. Not some wimp like Woody Allen.
They laugh hysterically.
JERRY
Oh, no. Woody is on caller id. Excuse me.
WOODY ALLEN
Mr. Duncan. I was just dissed by a fellow comedian and must defend my honor.
JERRY
Okay. I’m putting the Rockster on the call.
WOODY
Are you there, Chris? You nasty man.
CHRIS
You’re a wuss. I hear Sun Yi sinks your boats and rubber ducky in the bathtub.
WOODY
Your wife is so ugly that when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, “Sorry, no professionals.”
JERRY
Hold on. I suggest you find common ground. You’re both from Brooklyn.
WOODY
Well, sort of. I was lost and found. When I was ten, my family moved to Brooklyn. When I was twelve, I found them.
CHRIS
My experience was more unsettling. My high school Geometry teacher Miss Eisen was in an abusive relationship. Yeah, she had me in class. One day we were learning theorems. Miss Eisen said, “parallel lines have so much in common.” I shouted, “Yo. Too bad they’ll never meet because the rectangle is hot.” That earned a trip to the principal’s office.
WOODY
That’s nothing. I was bullied all through high school. I remember being stuffed in a locker. That’s when I became afraid of the dark. But then I grew up and saw the electric bill. Now I’m afraid of the light.
JERRY
What is a bully’s favorite type joke?
WOODY
I don’t know.
JERRY
One with a punch line.
CHRIS
Peace out, Woody. Good luck at the shrink.
WOODY
Have fun at the maternity ward with Eddie.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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