Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Super Bowl LV: Tampa Bay 31, KC 9

While the NY Jets are already mathematically eliminated from making it to Super Bowl LVI.

Ja Rule is telling people to stay with GameStop, AMC, Bed Bath and Beyond stocks

In fairness, if I was Ja I’d wish it was the 90’s again, too.

QAnon supporting lawmaker, Majorie Taylor Greene, ridiculed for whining that face masks are “oppressive” during orientation

Marjorie Taylor Greene should change her name to Qaren.

Armie Hammer has been dropped by his agency WME

… and I’m guessing any chance of being on the cover of ‘Bon Appetite.’

Six arrested after changing Hollywood sign to ‘Hollyboob’

… No word whether they were plastic surgeons or not….

Trump told Sidney Powell that the glaring spelling mistakes in her election lawsuits were “very embarrassing”

A classic example of “Te pott cawling te kittle blak.”

RIP, Cloris Leachman, Cicely Tyson, Larry King, Dustin Diamond

The way things are going the Emmy’s ‘In Memoriam’ will need its own show.

WHO visits Wuhan virus lab at center of speculation

… I guess that means “we’re not gonna take it…!”

OAN’s ‘Absolute Proof’ disclaimer getting more buzz on Twitter than MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell’s movie itself

In fairness, ‘Absolute Proof’ does sound like the brand of Vodka he was drinking when he made it.

Tana Mongeau claims a famous athlete left her for a Kardashian

Could she at least narrow it down to a sport…?

Alan Dershowitz nominated Jared Kushner and Avi Berkowitz for a Nobel Peace Prize

Yeah, but does it count if he was wearing underwear at the time?

Happy 59th Birthday, Axl Rose

Welcome to the Jungle… Retirement Villa.

FOX Business cancels ‘Lou Dobbs Tonight’

Lou Dobbs is now the 250-pound irrelevant in the room.

Jeff Bezos to step down

… I guess he wanted to do it while he was still in his Amazon Prime …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)