Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Canada names Proud Boys a terrorist group

How bad do you have to be for a country that tolerates Nickleback to ban your ass?

Stormy Daniels was on Michael Cohen for thirty minutes

Or, 29 minute and 45 seconds longer than she was on Trump.

Jessica Biel pays tribute to Justin Timberlake on his 40th birthday: “I honor you today, baby”

Look for his new single “Bringing Napping Back.”

Permanent security fencing coming to US Capitol

Damn, Mexico’s going to need to take a second job to pay for this one.

Trump’s Impeachment lawyers are not good at their jobs

To be fair, Trump’s impeachment defense team should be called the ‘COVID-19’ because no self-respecting lawyer wants to get within six feet of it.

Lincoln Project Co-Founder Steve Schmidt resigns from board amid scandal

Damn, so many people are looking for work after leaving the Lincoln Project, it’s now the ‘LinkedIn Project.’

Catholic Priest fired after performing Exorcisms to keep Trump in office

… Which is the closest Trump’s come to anything involving exorcising.

Goya Board of Directors censures CEO for comments about election fraud

They better watch out, given the product, he can be ‘silent but deadly.’

After $1 million coronavirus vaccine donation, Dolly Parton says she’s “not going to jump the line”

While the rest of us would hold her place in line “from 9 to 5!”

FOX viewership way down

Word is, FOX News has been losing viewers so quickly soon they’ll have to start airing ‘Fox and Friend.’

Ja Rule weighs in on Robinhood blocking GameStop and AMC stock trades

Ja Rule is giving stock market advice…? I’m not feeling so bad about getting that medical advice from Dr. Dre.

Tom Brady tossed the Lombardi Trophy between boats

Good thing that wasn’t Jay Cutler or it would’ve been picked off and swam back to a touchdown!

Maine’s Republican Senator Susan Collins votes to convict Trump

I guess, at least, one person learned a lesson from the first trial.

Plane flies over Mar-a-Lago with banner taunting Trump: ‘Worst President Ever’

… very funny, descendants of Andrew Johnson …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)