Jerry Duncan Interviews Joaquin Castro - Dean Kaner, Humor Times

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Texas U.S. Congressman Joaquin Castro.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll see. Today on the show my guest is U.S. Congressman Joaquin Castro from the great state of Texas.

JERRY

Good morning, Congressman Castro.

JOAQUIN CASTRO

Que pasa?

JERRY

Taco Bell, Si Senor.

JERRY

You really stepped up to the plate in the Senate Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump.

CASTRO

I hit a home run. For 6 months, Trump told his mobs that the system was rigged if he didn’t win the election. And he lost. Then on January 6, domestic terrorists stormed the capitol on Trump’s orders. Myself and fellow House Impeachment Managers proved it.

JERRY

So what? He walked without being convicted.

CASTRO

Crime may not pay, but the attorney fees are great.

JERRY

You’re 47 years old and graduated from Harvard Law School. So did your twin brother Julian. Where does the smarts come from?

CASTRO

My father. He’s a retired math teacher in San Antonio. A proud Mexican-American.

JERRY

I was wondering. How do Mexicans feel about Trump’s wall?

CASTRO

They’ll get over it.

JERRY

You grew up in San Antonio. Your brother Juan was the mayor there for five years. What is it about San Antonio that’s so great?

CASTRO

It’s the headquarters for Church’s Chicken.

JERRY

Now I know why the chicken couldn’t cross the road.

CASTRO

You should taste their Jalapeno Cheese Bombers. Eating them is a blast from the past. I’ll spare the details.

JERRY

Yeah, but let’s face it. There’s nothing to do in San Antonio.

CASTRO

You can visit the Alamo. You know the story. Right?

JERRY

Yeah. Mexican troops were trying to overrun the Alamo. The Texans defending it were outnumbered, but Davy Crockett saved the day with a hit television series.

CASTRO

Where did you hear that?

JERRY

On Hannity.

CASTRO

I’m sorry. Did I roll my eyeballs out loud?

JERRY

Just a second. There’s a call coming in from Texas Senator Ted Cruz.

JERRY

Cruzter. Speak louder. I can hardly hear you.

TED CRUZ

I’m in the restroom at the Houston airport. Just landed from Cancun.

JERRY

Yeah. Everybody knows you fled Houston when everything froze over. You coward!

CRUZ

Wait a second. I sent Heidi and kids to Mexico out of the goodness of my heart. My kids needed to see me. They were bored throwing darts at my picture.

JERRY

You were shamed by your constituents that’s why you returned. 13 million Texans were freezing with little shelter or water. Some died.

CRUZ

I was thinking about Texas at the resort while I was in the jacuzzi. Just ask Fox News.

JERRY

Screw you, Lyin Ted. I have Joaquin Castro on the line.

CASTRO

Hey, Hombre. While I helped citizens in San Antonio, you were living it up in Cancun. You should be removed from office.

CRUZ

The only way I’m leaving is if Donald Trump shoots me in the middle of 5th Avenue.

JERRY

He’s restless. You just gave him an idea.

CRUZ

I gotta go. The FBI found a hiding place for me. Tell Congressman Castro, I still think Fidel is his real father.

CASTRO

Cruz. Trump said your dad was a friend of Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald. This is the one time I believe him.

CRUZ

Saddle your ass and get out of Texas.

CASTRO

You want to run for president in 2024? Now Carnival isn’t the most dangerous cruise.

JERRY

Good-bye. As they say in Texas, “Oils well that ends well.”

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.