Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump rips McConnell as each seeks to exert leadership after impeachment trial

It’s the classic story of the Tortoise and the Orange Hair.

Lauren Burnham and Arie Luyendyk Jr. had sex for 18 days straight when trying to conceive. Is that the wrong approach?

It is If it’s not with each other…

Texas is buried in snow

Three words – Jewish Space Lasers!

Biden will pay the WHO $200 million

Big savings! The Rolling Stones would have cost double that….

Donald Trump “duped by hoax caller pretending to be Piers Morgan”

I’m shocked, shocked anyone would even want to pretend to be Piers Morgan.

Madonna’s daughter Lourdes Leon flaunts armpit hair in edgy new Marc Jacobs campaign

When Madonna complained, Lourdes told her, “Mama don’t preach!”

Senators urge Janet Yellen to prioritize putting Harriet Tubman on $20 bill

Harriet Tubman ought to be looking over her shoulder on that twenty as long as the back of the bill has Andrew Jackson.

Rush Limbaugh died at 70

… that’s 490 in dog whistle years.

Gwyneth Paltrow reveals she is a Covid-19 long-hauler with ‘healing’ still to do.

See what happens when you burn the vagina-smelling candle from both ends?!

Ted Cruz under fire after Texas winter storm ‘photo op’ shows him handing out water to residents

Somewhere the Zodiac Killer has to be thinking of turning himself in so people stop thinking he’s Ted Cruz.

Lindsey Graham thinks Lara Trump is going to be North Carolina’s next US Senator

Apparently, no other Trump will be out of prison soon enough to run.

Kanye West spent Valentine’s Day alone

So, he’s spent it with the one he loves most, but, hopefully, not making a sex tape.

WH Press Sec. Jen Psaki says President Biden “would support” a 9/11 Commission-style panel to investigate the Capitol insurrection

While Rudy Giuliani is talking about holding one in the parking lot of a 7/11.

6 bears ran amok, caused spectators to flee for their lives moments after being released into the wild

… or, they could’ve just called Aaron Rogers that always scares the crap out of Bears ….

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)